TITLE: "First Real Love"
AUTHOR: Kirsten Kerkhof * kirsten_xf@yahoo.com
SPOILERS: none
CLASSIFICATION: Mulder Scully Romance
KEYWORDS: S R
SUMMARY: In a rare moment of rest, Scully reflects on her love 
for her partner
DISCLAIMER: Neither character is mine. No money is being made 
and no infringement intended
RATING: PG
NOTE: This used to be part of a larger story I don't think I will ever 
finish and I liked it enough to put it in on its own.
FEEDBACK: Please, at kirsten_xf@yahoo.com

XxXxX

I'm a bit at a loss here right now.

Sitting in my – our – apartment I feel like I'm in a play or some 
movie of sorts, with the lines, the images, the plot all the product of 
the mind of some producer or some script-writer who knows things 
I don't. The set is both achingly familiar and yet it isn't. It's 
unnerving.

I wonder when I started feeling this way, but I also know I won't 
find that out.

A large hand makes its way towards the remote and I follow it as if 
I'm some kind of outside observer. The hand, elegant with long 
skilful fingers – mind you, I know just how skilful they are! –, 
connected to a strong arm which in turn belongs to the body of my 
partner who is currently sitting here right next to me, oblivious to 
the fact that I'm studying his movements and not realising just how 
important it is to me that he is here now. Oh, he knows how 
important he is, he's been told hundreds of times – by me – just 
how I cannot imagine a life that excludes him, but I don't think 
he'll ever realise the true extent of my love for him.

Yes, I love him. Insanely. Which is rather strange to be honest. 
Mulder is not a man easily loved. He's positively weird, strange and 
– dare I say it – spooky. He's good at making enemies and lacks 
many of the skills which help a person make friends. For one thing 
he has this enraging urge to desert the people he loves – the people 
who love him – to betray their trust and hurt their feelings. Whether 
it's test or just because he's terrified of letting anyone get close to 
him I haven't figured out yet.

So how on earth did it get to this stage then? The point where we 
realised we'd found our one in six billion? Let me tell you: I 
haven't got a clue. Or maybe I have: because my ways of showing 
that I love people are probably as weird and unpredictable as his.

I've never believed myself to be easily loved, let alone loving back. 
I tend to get cruel and sarcastic, I test the boundaries of the man I 
fancy, find out what his weaknesses are and whether he can stand 
having those tested. Newsflash: if you're bent on losing your 
virginity at an early age, this is not the way to do it ...

Of course this did leave me lonely at times, but in truth I've always 
been so incredibly keen on my independence that men – people – 
were simply in my way. Yes, I have been in a couple of 
relationships, but they didn't happen till med school after I'd 
decided that, when some of your classmates were already getting 
married, it sure was about time you learned how to do more than 
just kiss. Of course being a navy brat never helped me much.

But, to make Mulder seem more of a likely choice for me, the men I 
dated were all kind of unusual, even when none of them ever got 
close to Mulder. Which is fortunate actually, but that's not 
important now. But somehow it just never worked out between us, 
not in the way I wanted it to work out. You see, I'm not only 
looking for a man who can stand his ground, I need variation as 
well. Lots of it. I tend to get bored quickly. Ahab used to say that's 
a brilliant mind's disadvantage. And those men just weren't quick 
enough for me. Mulder on the other hand is, which proves just how 
smart he is. He's faster than I am, you never know what to expect 
next. Which can be annoying at times but at least it keeps me 
interested. Fascinated actually, spell-bound if you like. This man is 
a continuous surprise, never a moment is predictable. Not in the 
office, not at home, not in bed. Especially not in bed.

I can feel his eyes on me.

"You okay, Scully?" I hear him ask. I turn my head and look at him. 
Then I nod.

"Yeah, just sittin', thinkin'", I answer and he smiles.

"You were so quiet, I figured maybe something was bothering 
you," he says, a flash of familiar concern crossing his handsome 
features.

I shake my head. "I'm fine," I say softly, looking at him and 
smiling. "Better than fine actually."

He smiles back at me. "What were you sittin' and thinkin' about?"

"Counting my blessings," I reply and somehow it isn't really a lie 
either.

He briefly and softly kisses me on the lips before directing his 
attention to the game of football we're watching. Seems like the 
Yankees are doing winning. About time, too. His arm comes around 
my shoulders and then all of a sudden I feel very very tired. I had a 
tough day today and it's left me drained. Maybe that's why I feel 
this weird ... I lie down with my head in Mulder's lap and close my 
eyes, breathing in his unique scent I'd recognise anywhere.

"Tired, Scully?" he asks and I nod, too exhausted to answer. His 
hand comes up and creeps into my hair, stroking lightly. I know 
he's abandoned the game when the sound stops and the room grows 
dimmer. He switched the TV off.

"I really shouldn't be," I whisper. He sighs softly.

"Let's go to bed," he says and with surprising ease he picks me up 
and carries me into the bedroom. I love it when he carries me, 
though it's a favour he doesn't bestow on me often, he makes me 
feel so natural and safe.

It only takes a minute for us to reach the bed and he gently lies me 
down. I'm too tired even to bother undressing, but I feel the 
mattress dip slightly as he sits down beside me and slowly starts 
taking my clothes off, taking his time. There's nothing erotic to it 
this time, only endless caring and love.

When he's finished making me ready for bed, he momentarily 
leaves my side to undress. Then he joins me again, pulling the 
covers up and cuddling up behind me until we're both perfect. Yup, 
definitely my one in six billion.

I always thought that love wasn't for me. That it was something for 
a movie, for a cheap romantic novel, for people around me. I never 
truly believed in that kind of love and when I told men that I loved 
them, that usually meant precisely shit. I never loved a man, I 
simply followed a couple of biological urges and eased the need in 
me to have someone I could kiss in public for a good reason. But I 
never truly loved.

Until I met Fox Mulder. From the first moment that I looked into 
those intelligent, incredibly challenging green eyes I was lost. 
Smitten in fact. Why? I don't know. He doesn't bury me in roses 
and chocolate. He doesn't buy me diamonds, he doesn't even 
compliment me often. He's not one for meaningless flattery.. He 
simply respects and trusts me blindly and unreservedly.

Maybe that's why I love him this much. He never says it, but he'd 
lay down his life for me. His trust in me goes deeper than anything 
he believes in and he'd make a pact with the devil himself if it 
would make me happy. Not forgetting, of course, to include a 
cunning way out of the deal so we can be together. I smile at the 
thought. He's smart, this man of mine.

Mulder is my first real love. And my last. Were he to be taken from 
me tonight I would never want another man, no matter who I could 
have. I'd never find a man who could match up with him, who 
wouldn't visibly pale in comparison.

He's the love of my life. I softly chuckle at the thought. Never 
thought these corny words would apply to a relationship I had 
anything to do with.

I hear his soft snoring and decide to follow him in his dreams. Sleep 
comes easily tonight. I smile.

'So you thought you wouldn't fall in love, didn't you, Dana?' I 
think and smile a bit wider. It isn't all about biological urges, you 
know. Sometimes it's all about having the right person by your side. 
And exactly that is what is truly meant by love.

THE END

Kirsten Kerkhof, The Netherlands
2 August 2001