TITLE: "Fox's Angel" AUTHOR: Kirsten Kerkhof * CLASSIFICATION: MS UST KEYWORDS: V R RATING: PG SPOILERS: None SUMMARY: A good talk with someone very close to him makes Mulder realise it's about time he did something about his feelings for his partner, too. DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Why would I be the lucky one, huh? They belong to CC, DD, GA, 1013 and Fox and no infringement is intended. ARCHIVING: Sure. I'll do Gossamer myself, all others: you're welcome when you tell me where it's going, 'kay? FEEDBACK: Cherished and worshipped at . Mulders on offer for those who write! WEBSITE: http://www.cluich.net/X-Files.htm NOTE: Super-religious people may (or may not) take offense at some parts. I don't mean to offend anyone, but if you can't bear any critique or fun regarding Christian faith at all, I suggest you steer away from this one. XxXxX It was with a huge sigh of relief that Mulder walked out of the Hoover building, even if it was just for a 30-minute break. After being fried by Skinner, bullied by Kersch, terrorised by the computer system and inadvertedly turned on by Scully, he needed all the space he could get. It was actually a pretty nice day today, he thought, as he casually walked towards the park nearby. The air was balmy – yes, that was the word –, the sun was shining and the birds were singing. Children were playing on the grass under the watchful eyes of their mothers who were no doubt catching up on the latest brands in baby food or the best deal in nappies. All in all, it was not a bad day to be outdoors. Which made it all the sadder that Scully was still stuck in their no-light-no- air basement office. She'd asked if he needed her company, but that was the very last thing he needed so she'd let him go by himself, a sad look crossing her face. Was she disappointed that he hadn't wanted her to join him? He didn't know and he didn't dare contemplate the answer. Near the duck pond he found an empty bench and, figuring it was as good a place to sit and think as any, he took off his suit jacket and sat down, looking at a group of toddlers feeding the ducks and trying to empty his mind. But with Scully being on it as much as she was, it wasn't easy. In the end, he chose to just give up and look at the people in the park, Scully- thoughts be damned. He sensed a man approaching him before he actually saw him, so he looked up. "Mr Mulder?" the man asked. "Mr Fox Mulder?" Mulder nodded. "That's me. And who are you?" "Would you mind if I took a seat?" the man continued. Instinctively Mulder took the man's appearance in, assessing the situation. His training and experience didn't let him down. The man was damn good-looking, no doubt about it, and dressed in an obviously hideously expensive tailored suit. Everything seemed right about his appearance. Not awaiting Mulder's answer, the man sat down, putting down his briefcase. "Have we met before?" Mulder asked. "Oh yes, hundreds of times," the man answered. "Though I don't suppose you ever really noticed my presence. I prefer to remain in the background when at all possible." "I don't recall ever having seen you. Who are you?" Mulder asked, wary now. He'd made enough enemies not to trust anyone this easily. The man smiled. "I see I don't have your trust, and I can only praise you for that. You live in a dangerous world and you're right to be distrustful of those who claim your acquaintance. Then allow me to identify myself: I'm your guardian angel." "You're my what?" "I am your guardian angel." Before Mulder could react, the man continued. "And I see you don't believe me so allow me to produce evidence to back up my claim." With this he opened his suitcase and produced a badge, which Mulder examined with a wary eye. "You don't look like the kind of guy who would be pulling my leg," he then said, "but surely you don't expect me to believe this, do you?" "Not at all," the man answered, not in the least taken aback by Mulder's reply. "So I will provide you with some additional proof." With this, he unfolded a pair of splendid white wings. "Jesus ..." Mulder breathed. The man smiled. "That *is* the usual reaction we get, yes." Mulder looked around, but no one seemed at all phased by the sight of this angel. "Am I the only one who can see your wings?" he asked. "You are," the man answered. "It would be a little conspicuous if we weren't able to hide certain aspects of our identity to those who don't need to know." Then he extended a hand. "I suppose I'd better introduce myself: my name is Daniel." "Pleased to meet you," Mulder answered, shaking the man's hand. "So, erm, what are you here for? What is your business with me?" The angel took out a small leatherbound notebook. "It's time for my annual accounts. The big bosses need progress reports around this time of year, and while I usually assemble all the facts from a distance, this year I decided I might as well come down and talk to you in person. Give you a chance to influence certain things as it were." "What things?" "Personal things." "Personal things?" "Mm-mm," Daniel nodded, taking a fountain pen from his briefcase. "For instance, I would like some additional information regarding that gorgeous partner of yours." "You mean Scully?" "That would be her. Damn fine woman if I may speak my mind." Mulder smiled. "What about her?" "Well," Daniel began, "what is the extent of your feelings for her? I know you're fond of her, but I would like to quantify this fondness more precisely. It's important for my job." "In what way?" "Because it seriously influences the way you act. And being your guardian angel it's my job to prevent those nine lives of yours to run out. Which sure ain't easy!" Daniel added with a grin. "You've really got a knack for getting yourself hurt, man!" Mulder couldn't help a chuckle. "Yeah, I know." "Which is why we sent Dana Scully over to be your partner. Since she's a doctor, we figured she could patch you up when you once again fed that insatiable need to get yourself hurt, injured, maimed or in any other way on the verge of certain disaster and death. You wouldn't last a day without that woman, I'll bet." "I know, it's kinda pathetic come to think of it." "It sort of is rather, isn't it?" Then Mulder looked at the angel. "Wait a minute. Did you say *you* sent her to me?" "Sure we did. Who else should it have been?" "Well, the Bureau is but one employer that springs to mind ..." Daniel grinned. "Those guys up there have guardian angels too, you know. Although with some I suspect their angels were formerly employed by the mob ..." "You have evil guardian angels as well?" "Sure you do. Everyone gets the angel he or she deserves. Which is why you've got such a fabulous hunk of an angel to look after you!" "With one hell of a feeling for understatement and modesty," Mulder deadpanned. "Don't tell me you think you're any better!" "Aren't I?" Mulder smiled. "Mmm, maybe you should ask your partner about you. I'll bet she could open your eyes on a subject or two." Mulder looked at his hands. "Possibly so," he then said, "but we don't really talk much about such subjects." "I know. And I think you ought to start. There are a lot of things about your partner you don't know and would love to know." "Do you know those things?" "I do, though only through your partner's angel. Guardian angels can read minds but only of the person they're responsible for." "Can you read my mind?" "I can. Although I must admit I have on occasion wished I couldn't ..." "What do you mean?" "Man, I was born in 1923, I used to have way different points of view regarding a lot of things when I was still around. Being able to read your mind sure was a shock to the system, I can tell you that! Your mind was my first taste of porno, and it wasn't a pretty sight either!" Mulder laughed. "And here I thought I had some privacy ... So, erm, you said you were born in 1923. What happened to you?" "Nothing very special really. I was born in New York, but grew up in Chicago. My dad was the vice-president of a bank, and my mom came from an exorbitantly rich family, so you could say I had the best childhood a kid could wish for." Daniel sighed. "Which is probably why my dad got killed in a bank robbery and my mom drank herself to death ..." "Jesus ..." The angel smiled weakly. "Nope, He wasn't much use to me either ..." He sighed again. "Anyway, I got a job at my dad's bank, mis-used my position, connections, and looks to get to the top. When there got involved in shady little businesses, and then one day in 1957 found myself on the receiving end of a bullet." "Dead?" "As a doornail. Spent four years doing penance in the after- life, and when you were born They thought you'd be a nice charge to look after. Which you have been, actually, I could've had much worse." "But you said people get the guardian angel they deserve – and I get a criminal, if you don't mind my saying so. What does that say about me?" Mulder asked, slightly worried. "Just that you're no saint. And thank God for that." "Okay, but that's you. And you said you came for me. For what?" "Oh yes, that's right. Well, you and I need to sort a few things out before I leave you to your own devices again." "What things?" "Your feelings. For your partner to be more precise. You've been running from her from day one and you know it. When you two first met you thought you could send her screaming for the hills, but in actual fact it's you who's done nothing but running from her and from yourself where she's concerned. Does she appall you that much?" Mulder was shocked. "Appall me? Scully? I ... I mean ... No! No, she doesn't appall me at all, she just ..." "She just ... what?" "She just ... overwhelms me ... confuses me ... about my feelings for her. She's gotten under my skin and it's fantastic. Which is amazing and confusing, and I just haven't been able to understand it very well." "Why is that?" "Because she shouldn't mean that much to me. I can't afford having her care so much for me, it'll lead to nothing but trouble and heart ache ..." "You don't honestly believe that, do you?" the angel said with a look of disgust on his face. "Well ..." "Okay, I'll rephrase that: you don't believe that. Deep down you do think you're worthy of her affection. And don't try to tell me I'm wrong, because I know the truth! I know what you're thinking and I know what you're feeling." He looked at Mulder who was staring into the distance. "And right now you're trying to figure out how you can get rid of me the fastest without insulting me because this talking about feelings is pissing you off." Mulder looked at him in shock and amazement. Daniel just smiled and shrugged. "Man, you could've believed me when I told you I could read your mind." "That was creepy." "Downright spooky, huh?" Mulder smiled a lopsided smile at the nickname. "Yeah yeah, I know." Then he took a deep breath. "So, what do you want me to do now?" "Well, starting easy: what does your partner mean to you?" "Everything," Mulder answered simply. "Everything?" "Everything." "That's a lot. Are you sure?" "Well, who else should I give my heart and affection to then?" "So you love her because there's no one else you could exchange her for? Sort of loving her by default?" Mulder was appalled. "What? No! No, I love her because she's worth every bit of good feeling I have! Because she deserves every last bit of love I have to offer and then some. Because ..." He fell silent, burying his face in his hands. "Because it's impossible not to love her," he added very softly. "And because I'm terrified I'm not enough for her ..." "Why?" "Because one day she'll find someone else, someone who *is* good enough for her. And then what do I do?" "So that's why you drag her on field trips to the smallest backwater towns you can find or call her in the middle of the night just to ask what she's wearing. Because you're scared someone will snatch her from you. You know, with such behaviour it sure makes a person wonder why she hasn't found someone else already." "I sure am wondering ..." "I'm not," Daniel said simply. Mulder looked at him. "You're not? Why not? That makes no sense!" "On the contrary, it makes perfect sense." "Well, not to me it doesn't!" "Okay," the angel said, putting his notebook and pen in his briefcase, which he put down on the grass. "Let's get down to basics. No more tip-toeing around the core of the subject, we're wasting time here which we can't afford. Do you love her?" Mulder nodded. "More than life itself." "Dangerous thought, but we'll skip that for now. Next question: are you in love with her?" Mulder took a deep breath. "Yes. Yes, I am." He saw Daniel's approving smile and shook his head. "Those feelings are not worth anything, Daniel, when she doesn't return them. It helps me sleep at night, and gives me the best reason to keep this job, but when it's one-sided I can't act upon that!" Daniel looked at him, then slowly shook his head. "Are you going to deny yourself all that she has to offer, all that could be if you'd only allow it to happen, just because you think she doesn't love you?" "It's better than having my heart broken, that's for damn sure!" "You're breaking your own heart, ass-hole, you don't even need her for that!" "What?" "Oh, come on, do you really think she'd still be here if she didn't love you?" "She likes the job." "Yeah, and she also really likes ICUs. And having to bail you out. And stand up to FBI committees, A.D. Skinner, the Military, the Navy, local law enforcement, hospital staff, and even death on occasion. Just for the job. That sure sounds real convincing, Fox Mulder, gimme a break!" "Well, she sure wouldn't do it for me personally, would she?" he said softly. "Oh, Jesus!!" Daniel said, utterly disgusted. "God damn you, Mulder, how can you be so dense, so thick-headed?! The woman loves you! Although I am beginning to see why she shouldn't. But she does! She loves you to bits!" Mulder looked at his guardian angel, completely stunned. "Yes! Of course she does!" Daniel went on. "Man, before her angel and I came down to see the both of you, we had a couple of conversations about this, and even I was amazed at the depth of her feelings for you. She's not totally blind to your faults, Mulder, but she loves you too much to really mind those." Mulder took a deep breath, and slowly released it. "Jesus ..." "Yep, all thanks to Him." Daniel quipped. "Really, you two should talk about this. You're wasting time and it's such a pity to see that happening. Talk to her about this, she doesn't know you return her feelings, because you sure are good at hiding them, and she's getting insecure whether her emotions are being wasted. That's why her angel and I panicked and that's why we decided it was time to intervene. You're about to lose the best woman you will ever meet, Mulder." "Oh God ... Then what should I do now? I have to go back to the office in a moment, she'll be there!" "No, she won't be. She's been called down to the labs and she won't return today, instead she'll head straight for home from there. She'll call you to let you know. Tonight her angel is visiting her, hopefully having a similar conversation." Mulder ran his hand over his face. "How about tomorrow?" "That's all up to you. I can't help you more than I already did." "How did you help me?" "I struck a deal with the guardian angel belonging to the person who needs her in the labs," Daniel grinned. "It's all about connections." Mulder smiled, but didn't reply. "Tell you what,"Daniel said. "I'll try to sneak one more favour past the big guys up there and you promise to talk to her about this tomorrow." "Can I ask what kind of favour that would be?" "Nope. Just trust me." Seeing Mulder's face, Daniel laughed. "You can trust *me*!" "Okay okay ... Well, I'd better get back to the office. Will I see you again?" Daniel got up and shook Mulder's hand. "I sure hope not. That would mean your partner didn't succeed in saving your ass. And it would mean I'd be out of a job!" "Ah ..." "Okay, Mulder, I gotta go. And remember, don't chicken out, or your ass is mine, you understand?!" "Aye aye, cap'n," Mulder joked, and Daniel smiled. "She's worth it, Mulder. Worth fighting for." Mulder smiled. "Yes. Yes she is ..." THE END Kirsten Kerkhof The Netherlands, (c) 3 June 2004 1