TITLE: "The Minne Cycle - Part 3" AUTHOR: Kirsten Kerkhof * CLASSIFICATION: MSR KEYWORDS: V R A RATING: PG SPOILERS: Invocation, Redrum SUMMARY: See part 1 DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Why would I be the lucky one, huh? They belong to CC, DD, GA, 1013 and Fox and no infringement is intended. ARCHIVING: Sure. I'll do Gossamer myself, all others: you're welcome when you tell me where it's going, 'kay? FEEDBACK: Cherished and worshipped at XxXxX Friday, 4:15 pm Hello sweetheart, I've taken the day off today so I could take care of some unfinished issues I just never quite found the time for. I've caught up on some e-mails, called mom - an hour and a half, new record - and cleaned the bathroom. And now I've decided to sit down and write this letter to you. It's way past due, I know, and I'm very sorry. This letter doesn't come as easily as the previous two, I don't know why that is. It's not because I don't miss you, I miss you horribly, but somehow I just don't find it in me to write to you. God, that sounded awful, didn't it? I should cross out that line, but you know I don't like messiness so I won't. And it reflects what I think, and I don't want to hide anything from you, even when it's less than perfect. I'm thinking of assigning time solely devoted to writing these letters to you, it's not right that I've been on two cases and never even had the time to write. Please don't think I don't think about you, you're constantly on my mind and a very comforting companion you are, too, but writing to you is a luxury I can hardly afford. It's not right this way, is it? I don't get paid nearly enough for the Bureau to take up all of my time. I'll talk to Skinner about it. The cases can wait, first I want to tell you more about us. I went to see my OBGYN today. I was quite nervous, but it was really for no reason. I've taken extra care to select a doctor I can relate to. After all, doctors do make the worst patients, don't they? She is very nice, even you would like her (don't even think about it, Mulder, you're taken!). I can't wait to hear our baby's heartbeat, or feel the first kick. Actually, mom told me it feels more like a tickle, but that's fine too. And I can't wait to see the ultra sound. I've done ultra sounds on pregnant women in med school, I can't believe that this time it'll be our child on the screen. Isn't it incredible? Whenever I think about it I feel like the happiest woman on earth - right before I feel this sadness, realising that no matter how wonderful this all is, it would be endlessly better if you were here to experience it all with me ... How are you holding up? I hope they have some mercy, even when I know they don't. Oh, Mulder, what have we done to deserve this? And I can't even help you actively, even though you know I'd turn myself inside out if it would help you. It's not fair, it can't be. I'm fine myself, by the way. My neck is okay and my spine is back to normal, too. I was so scared that the trauma of having that monster inside of me would harm the baby - even more than what it would do to me. Well, except for when it was about to invade my brain, but luckily Doggett was there to cut me open and pull it out of me. Don't come after him for cutting open my neck, Mulder, I ordered him to. And the pain couldn't have been worse than what I felt when that thing was wriggling under my skin. Somehow it has evaporated every possible fear I could have ever had about giving birth. Pain? Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt ... Anyway, about our cases: neither was very remarkable. Oh, the kid himself was enough of a mystery, but compared to what we've seen before it didn't really shock me. Doggett had a few surprises though, the bastard. I still haven't figured out whether he's worth wasting a bullet on. I guess he isn't, lucky for him. I don't think I'll hold out for very long, I just can't stand him. About that last case, the one with the guy who experienced time going backwards, it was mainly Doggett who handled that one. The man in question turned out to be a good friend of his and I must admit that, between me clearing up most of the red tape behind the scenes, I watched him and he did quite a good job. But then again he's no rookie. He is of course one hell of a skeptical son of a bitch so naturally he didn't believe a word the guy was telling him, but all's well that ends well and we somehow managed to change the course of events and prevent his wife from being murdered. If only I could do the same and keep you from going back to Oregon. There is not a single day when I don't think about the 'what if's. What if you had stayed here, what if I hadn't let you go, or what if I had been the one to go? What if you hadn't figured it all out? What if it had been Skinner - but that is unfair. What if we hadn't spent that last night together? Would we be in the situation we're in now? We've always been very afraid of what would happen when we'd cross the lines, but this is just plain cruel. You surprised me somewhat when you curled up behind me, but it was very nice. I needed that, I don't think you know how much ... I just never expected you to try and get me to quit. You've always been so anxious to keep me by your side, especially of late, and now you were trying to make me leave you. I didn't know back then I was pregnant, not even when I cuddled that infant. You probably think I didn't notice you looking at me, but I was acutely aware of the message your face told me and every fibre of me yearned to create life with you. Little did I know ... It was as if it finally hit home to me how little time I had left to fulfil that longing. Fertility is a bitch. I can't even remember how we got from a closer-than- friendly cuddle to the point where we lay naked in each others arms. I was content then as we came together, the tears momentarily forgotten. Why hadn't you kissed me like that before, Mulder? Not even on our first night together? Were you afraid I'd push you away? Sometimes I wonder how you could possibly have missed my desire for you, but then I realise how difficult I make it for you - and you are too much of a gentleman to force anything. I'm sorry. We're seriously screwed up, aren't we? Care to change all that when we're back together? It'll have to change, I can't go back to what it was before. I'll go to bed early tonight. There isn't a lot to do for me anyway and I need to catch up on a lifetime's worth of sleep. Ideally, if we take fertility as a basis, we should've started having babies the moment we first met, and as it is now seven years later and I'm not getting any younger either, I'd better try everything in my power to help this child. I'm afraid of having a disabled child, it is a real possibility after all. But I'm keeping the baby no matter what. Mulder, are you as scared as I am that we may never see each other again? I do my best to suppress that feeling and I'm pretty sure that to the outside world I look fully confident that I'll track you down and bring you back, but deep down I'm terrified. I have never needed you more than now, and never have the chances of you and I meeting looked bleaker. Will you come back to me? Please? Mom asks about you on a daily basis, she's very worried. Skinner's enlisted some additional help in the form of sources of information he cannot tell me about, to try and locate your whereabouts; the Gunmen are on a 24/7 basis following up on every scrap of evidence they find. And I myself try to navigate between work and Doggett on one side and the baby and my search for you on the other. I don't know if you ever realised it, Mulder, but you are loved, and not just by me. Oh, sweetheart, I don't think I want to grow old without you by my side, my life would be so empty. Don't give up, even when there's nothing you want to do more. Think of me and of our child who needs a father, and bear with me. I won't let you down, that is one promise I'm not afraid to make. We have things to accomplish together, save people, save the world (that would be nice) and then we could grow old together and find ourselves surrounded by our children and grandchildren while I try and stop you from chasing after those cute young nurses in your wheel chair. Do you understand? We're not meant to be separated yet. I'm going to bed in a minute, it's getting late. Will we make love again? God, I need you so much ... I love you. Yours forever, Scully XxXxX THE END Kirsten Kerkhof The Netherlands, 11 October 2001