TITLE: "The Minne Cycle - Part 4" AUTHOR: Kirsten Kerkhof * CLASSIFICATION: MSR KEYWORDS: V R A RATING: PG SPOILERS: "Via Negativa & Surekill" SUMMARY: See part 1 DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Why would I be the lucky one, huh? They belong to CC, DD, GA, 1013 and Fox and no infringement is intended. ARCHIVING: Sure. I'll do Gossamer myself, all others: you're welcome when you tell me where it's going, 'kay? FEEDBACK: Cherished and worshipped at XxXxX Sunday, 9:18 pm Hello sweetheart, I've just returned home from a few personal days, I couldn't handle work anymore. It still sounds awkward to me, hearing these words coming from my mouth, but Skinner was very understanding and granted me a week's time off within unheard-of time. The change he's undergone since you disappeared is truly remarkable. He is my strongest support nowadays, my ally within the FBI, and I know I owe it all to him that I'm still up and about. I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting for this letter so long. It's not as if you've been even as much as an inch from my mind and I've sat down with pen and paper more than once during the past week, but I couldn't get a single letter on paper, even when the whole letter was written inside my head. But tomorrow I'll probably be back on the road for another case and I'd hate myself if I put this letter off for any longer. Oh Mulder, I miss you so much. My pregnancy is so problematic, I never expected this. I was admitted to hospital last week when I started to bleed, I was terrified I was going to lose the baby. I spent two days in hospital, fortunately everything turned out all right. But I couldn't go to work after that, I was too shaken, and Mom was more than happy to have me for a bit and pamper me. It was nice. Mom is a gem, if only I'd realised that when I was sixteen ... It feels as if I spent the entire week crying, I hope it helped me. I think it has, actually, because I feel surprisingly fresh now. Maybe that's why I can finally write this letter to you, I think last week my tears were in the way. I never knew Mom kept so many pictures of you, I wonder where she got them all. I confiscated one, it's in the livingroom, but don't worry, I won't make it into a shrine. You're not dead and I pray that will not happen either. The obligatory Agent Doggett update: he has changed quite a bit and for the better too. He's more sympathetic nowadays, both towards me and towards the work. He appeared almost robot-like when I first met him, but the past two cases have revealed a surprising amount of emotions in him. I don't know what happened when we were investigating the axe-murders, but he very nearly broke down in front of me. It's only fair to admit that I was shocked and I think he finally realised what the X-Files can be all about. It doesn't look like he's about to scream and run for the hills though, which is fortunate because he's good at what he does and I need him, much as I sometimes loathe to admit. Our latest case was very much an ordinary one, which has its charms. Like I said in my second letter to you, just go have a rummage in our files and nick the one you'd like to read. I will always cover for you, I have absolutely no qualms about doing that. Just leave me a sign that it was you, okay? It's hard to imagine, isn't it, that I would gladly break every single rule the Bureau's ever invented for your sake, looking back on what a prim no-fun little bitch I was when I first started working with you. You have corrupted me, Mulder. And I thank God on my bare knees that you have. But no more about the work. I'm tired of writing about cases when all I want to do is talk to you. You don't have any idea just how badly I want you back with me. Even if you are as close as I feel you, you still cannot know, sweetheart, you can't imagine it. This past week, when I was with my mother, we talked about you a lot. Actually, it was just about the only thing we talked about. Mom misses you too, she loves you very much. But she hasn't let her grief get in the way of logic, like I have, and I have to thank her for confronting me with the hardest part concerning your disappearance. I never wanted to consider the possibility that you may never come back, but it's true, isn't it? It stops my heart every time I think about it, but we may never see each other again. I know you're not dead yet, I'm absolutely certain I will feel it when you die, but I hope that, if the worst should come to the worst, I will be allowed to find your body and bury it with the respect and dignity you deserve. You must forgive the marks on the paper, I thought I'd be fresh out of tears after last week's deluge, but I guess I was wrong. Oh my God, Mulder, don't do this to me. You've never given up; everyone accused you of being headstrong and never listening to anyone except perhaps me, so please don't listen to them now. You've got to come back to me, I need you so very much. And, please, if there is anything I can do, if there is anywhere I need to go to, my God, I will personally remove every flake of snow from the face of the earth to find you, but let me know, okay? I can't handle this uselessness. Doggett just called about the case we're going to investigate. He'll be here to pick me up early tomorrow morning so I'd better call it a day. I'm very tired anyway. I'm looking forward to feeling the baby, seeing it on the ultra-sound. Can you imagine what it will be like, to hear its heartbeat for the first time? It will be such a magical moment, to know and actually witness the life you and I made. Sweetheart, please give me a sign that you are with me, I need you so much. At night I dream about you, during the day I feel your hand on the small of my back, but every time I wake up, every time I turn around, it is always a mirage! Anything, any sign, no matter how small, would be such a comfort to me. I know you don't hold with it, but I pray daily for your safety and return. I hope you know that you are ultimately in safe hands, no matter how badly you are being treated now, peace will come. And if you should only find that in death, God will look after you until we meet again. And I will tell our child all about you. You will not be forgotten, you're too precious. Good night, my love, I'm so proud of being your partner. Sure, I have cursed you sometimes, but I wouldn't change a thing if I had to do it all over again. Well, except for the fact that I wouldn't let you go back to Oregon, but that's a matter of course. Don't be jealous of Doggett, he's no threat. And if you should die before we meet again, don't come and haunt him, okay? He doesn't deserve that. You're perfectly welcome to haunt me though ... My heart is yours. Forever. Scully XxXxX THE END Kirsten Kerkhof The Netherlands, 29 October 2001 ?