From: "Kirsten Kerkhof" <kirstenkerkhof@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:49:46 +0200
Subject: New story: "Change" by Kirsten Kerkhof
Source: direct

TITLE: "Change"
AUTHOR: Kirsten Kerkhof * <kirstenkerkhof@gmail.com>
CLASSIFICATION: MSR
KEYWORDS: S R 
RATING: PG, I suppose
SPOILERS: X-Files Movie 2, post-film
SUMMARY: Scully didn't give up and she won - but it 
hasn't made her any happier.
DISCLAIMER: They're mine! *laughs like a lunatic* 
No seriously, I don't own them, nor would I want to 
(seeing that I can barely keep myself on the money I 
make). 
ARCHIVING: Sure. I'll do Gossamer myself, all others: 
you're welcome when you tell me where it's going, 'kay?
FEEDBACK: Cherished and worshipped at  
<kirstenkerkhof@gmail.com>

XxXxX

"Hey, you're early." Mulder turned around on his swivel 
chair, looking at the clock and at her almost 
simultaneously. It was only two in the afternoon, and 
although he knew she didn't have a late shift, she wasn't 
supposed to be home before four at the earliest.
	
Scully nodded, looking tired. "Yeah, there wasn't much 
else for me to do."
	
He got up, worried. "Something's wrong," he stated in a 
low voice. "Tell me."
	
She smiled a bit. "Coffee first, talk second."
	
He chuckled. "I can do that." He went into the kitchen, 
switching on the machine. He went through enough 
coffee in a day to have it permanently filled up and 
ready to go. He'd insisted on buying a state-of-the-art 
coffee maker, claiming that, with all the time he spent at 
home, he needed quality. She countered his claims with 
succinct recollections of his previous interest - or lack 
thereof - in quality of food stuffs and then they bought it 
anyway.
	
Sipping the hot liquid, they returned to the living room 
and sat down on the sofa. Scully rested her arms on her 
legs, the cup still clasped in her hands, and sighed.
	
It scared him.
	
"What is it?" he asked, his voice soft and gentle. "Did 
something go wrong at the hospital?"
	
She chuckled a little and shook her head. "No," she said, 
"that's the thing. Nothing went wrong."
	
If she had planned on confusing him, she was 
succeeding to a marvel. "Then what went right? Because 
clearly something is amiss."
	
She looked at him, a faint smile on her lips. "Christian 
made it."
	
He remembered that name. "The kid with ..."
	
"Sandhoff. Yes."
	
"Really?"
	
She smiled a little wider now. "He should be okay, 
although no one knows how he'll do in the long run of 
course. And he'll need physical therapy and speech 
coaching and so on."
	
"But he's cured, right?"
	
She took a deep breath. "Yes, as far as we can tell, he 
is."
	
Mulder smiled widely. "Scully, that is fantastic! 
Awesome!"
	
She matched his smile. "Thank you." Then her smile 
faded as quickly as it had come.
	
He couldn't help but notice. "But?"
	
"I should be ecstatic, but instead I feel so ... empty ..."
	
He took her coffee cup from her hands and placed it on 
the coffee table, along with his. Then he sat back, gently 
drawing her with him, and gathering her to him. "Why?" 
he whispered.
	
"I don't know," she whispered. "It makes no sense."
	
He cooed into her hair and she felt the vibrations. If he 
could make her feel anymore relaxed and comfortable it 
ought to be illegal, she thought.
	
"What happened?"
	
She sighed. For a moment she considered abridging her 
tale, but that would be useless. He'd know she'd kept 
things back and she in turn wouldn't feel any better for 
it.
	
"Remember that Christian had his last operation two 
days ago?" she said.
	
"Mm-mm. You were worried." His voice sounded 
slightly muffled.
	
"He was in so much pain, Mulder, my heart broke just to 
see him in such agony."

	
"But you went through with it anyway."
	
"It was the last transplant, there was no point in quitting 
now."
	
"And it saved him."
	
She nodded. "Yes."
	
"Amazing."
	
She nodded again. "It was. No one expected it. The 
parents are overjoyed, the nurses are ecstatic, the 
wardens are in awe. Christian says he's never felt 
better." She sighed. "They've asked me to write an 
article, that I can have any and every medical journal of 
my choice for its publication."
	
"That is unbelievable, Scully." Inwardly he was 
cheering and high-fiving her, but sensing that she didn't 
exactly mirror his emotions, he kept them to himself. 
"But what's the matter?"
	

She sighed deeply. "I should be feeling fantastic, 
basking in the glory. And instead ... all I want to do it 
run away and yell at them to leave me alone ..."
	
"Are you tired?"
	
She nodded.
	
"You wanna go to bed?"
	
"Not that kind of tired."
	
"Emotionally tired?"
	

"Empty. Drained," she whispered, feeling tears approach 
with alarming speed. "And then I hurt you."
	
"What?"
	
"I hurt you. You wanted to go and I said no. Everyone 
said stop and I pushed on regardless. It's eating me alive 
..."
	
He was thoroughly bewildered now. "Sweetheart, I have 
no earthly clue what you're talking about. When and 
how did you hurt me? And who wanted you to stop? 
And stop what?"
	
"You wanted to pack up and go. Away from this 
darkness."
	
He thought he was beginning to get it. "After the first 
transplant?"
	
She nodded, her face hidden against his chest. She 
wasn't exactly crying, but the tears were coming down 
anyway. She hoped he didn't mind, because his t-shirt 
was pretty much soaked through in the front and there 
was nothing she could do to stop it.
	
He smiled and hugged her a little closer. "I only said 
that because I had a feeling you were unhappy. And I 
like this place, it's remote enough for us to be left alone, 
but close enough to civilisation for you to work. But that 
doesn't signify any if you're not happy."
	
"But that's just the thing, Mulder: I am happy. In a way 
..."
	
He took a deep breath. "Okay, I'm going to ask you 
something and I'd appreciate it if you didn't castrate me 
for asking." He grinned ruefully.
	
That earned him a puzzled look. "What?"
	
"Am I the reason you're not happy? Because I treated 

you pretty badly on that last case, I think." He sighed, 
looking down at his shoes. "I know I'm an asshole 
sometimes, and I'm probably just about the most self-
absorbed bastard you'll ever meet, but I really try to ..." 

He looked up at her. "... I really try to make you happy 
..."
	
She smiled sadly. "And I keep trying to make you 
happy. And now we're both depressed. What went 
wrong?"
	
"Maybe I was right," he said. "We're in love but we 
can't be together."
	
"Don't be silly, Mulder, we have to be together. I may 
not like everything about our relationship, but I'd do 
anything to be with you."

	
"Even stop loving me?"
	
"Well, then possibly that's the only thing I would never 
do." She snuggled closer. "Hold me."
	
He pulled her closer, wishing he could wrap the both of 
them in a bubble. For a long time neither spoke and the 
only sounds in the room were the ticking of the clock 
and their breathing.
	
"Scully?"
	
"Mm-mm?"
	
"What are you going to do?"
	
"Mmm?"
	
"Are you going to write that article?"
	
"I should."
	

He shook his head. "You *should* do nothing. There is 
no obligation."
	
"I don't think we could keep our low profile if I 
published," she said softly. "But people are entitled to 
know."
	
"You could let someone else have it."
	
She sighed. "My ego hates that idea."
	
He chuckled softly. "If anything, you deserve the credit. 

You pushed the limits of what was believed to be 
medically possible, you defied the sceptics, and cured 
this boy. And there are others who deserve to be treated 
and healed. But ..." He sighed. "But not if it 
compromises your happiness."
	
"What do you want to do?" she whispered.
	
He pressed a kiss into her hair. "Me? I want to pick you 
up and hold you and never let go. I want to shield you 
from the big bad world and make you happy and nothing 
but happy. I want to protect you and be your knight in 
shining armour and defend your honour and all that. But 
I also know you'd roast my balls over an open fire if I 
ever tried to do that."
	
She grinned. "Damn right!"
	
"So, in short, I want to do what you want to do. So no 
pressure on you, of course." He grinned too. Then he 
grew serious again. "But I mean it."
	
She sighed. "I know. I've always known." He felt her 
move a little closer, although he never thought that was 
possible. "I wish I could just hide away with you, and 
stop time. Shut out the world and just exist."
	
"Mm-mm." He took a deep breath. "Come to bed with 
me."
	
She looked up. "Mulder, it's only half past three!"
	
"I know."
	
"I told you I wasn't tired physically."
	
"I know."
	
"Don't be silly, I'll mess up my day and night rhythm. 
Besides, I'm fine here. You feel good."
	
He smiled. "Thank you."
	
She turned towards him again, her face into his t-shirt. It 
was still a little damp from her tears, but she didn't care. 
She could feel his heart beating. He was warm and 
strong and he smelled good. She closed her eyes and 
relaxed.
	
"Are you happy like this?"
	
She nodded. "Yes."

"I wish I could make you happier."
	
"Not possible."
	
He chuckled. "I can't take away your tiredness."
	
"I don't expect you to. Don't worry about it, you're 
doing a great job."
	
"You did awesome at the hospital. I'm really proud of 
you."
	
"Mmm, thank you. I'm kinda proud of me too."
	
He chuckled again. She must have been feeling better if 

she started making jokes again. " You make me feel like 
an under-achiever."
	
"Why?"
	
"I don't think I've ever saved a kid's life like that."
	
"You've saved so many lives!"
	
"Never like that."
	
She sighed. "Well, it was a fluke on my part."
	
"A lucky fluke."
	
"I'm not denying that. But it was a coincidence 
nonetheless."
	
He shook his head. "No, I don't believe that. It may 
have been a coincidence that the treatment worked, but 
it was your perseverence that made it possible. Everyone 
tried to make you quit, including me, but you pushed on 
and you came out the winner."
	
"Christian came out the winner."
	
He gently put his finger over her lips, making her look 
up at him. "Don't. Don't try to deflect." He pulled her 
up a little so they were face to face. "If the boy fought 
hard, you fought even harder. He fought against his 
disease, but you fought against scepticism, ignorance 
and blatant disbelief in your abilities. Trust me, I know 
just how crippling that can be. You're right to be tired, 
you're entitled to exhaustion- ..."
	
"Gee, thanks," she said, but smiled. She sat up and 
straddled him, loosely wrapping her arms around his 
neck, his arms on her sides.
	
He smiled in return. Then he grew serious again. "I 
didn't know how hard this was for you, I don't think I 
ever really understood."	
	
"Well, I never told you the full extent, did I?" she 
whispered.
	
He shook his head. "No, but that's no excuse. I really 
think I should've noticed."
	
"You're just self-obsessed," she smiled.
	
"I know, one of my charms," he countered with a rueful 
smile.
	
She shrugged. "It is actually." She leaned in and kissed 
him softly. "Let's not talk about it anymore."
	
"In a moment then, I still have some questions."
	
"Can't they wait? I want some lovin'."
	
He chuckled. "No, I want to deal with these questions 
first and then we can dedicate all our time and attention 
to that lovin' you're after."
	
She pouted. "When did you start making so much 
sense?"
	
"I learnt from the master," he replied, placing a finger 
on her chest, right over her heart. "So, what are you 
going to do?"
	
"About the article, you mean?"
	
He nodded. "And maybe your job."
	
"My job? I don't remember talking about the job."
	
"No. So maybe I'm just presumptious, but ..."
	
She sighed, moving forward to lie against him. "I don't 
like this job, Mulder. I don't like it at all. But we need 
the income and it's something I can do ..."
	
"With the proper recognition you could get any medical 
job."
	
He felt her nod. "So you think I should write that article, 
huh?"

	
He didn't answer immediately. Then he let out a short 
sigh. "Frankly? Yes, I do. I think you should write it. As 
I said, you deserve the glory, it's all yours to claim. But 
that doesn't mean we couldn't change the rest of our 
lives."
	
She sat back again so she could look at him. "You want 
to move?"
	
He shrugged. "Well, I'm not the one who'll be making 
the big sacrifices. I have nothing to tie me down, except 
for my own desire to be wherever you are. But you have 
a job, and obligations to fulfill."
	
"You make it all sound so wonderful," she muttered, but 
couldn't hide a smile.
	
"But I do want to move. I want to go away, back from 
the darkness- ..."
	
"It will find us," she interjected, but he chose to ignore 
it.
	
"... and build a new life. I want to change and maybe 
we'll be happier."
	
"I'm not sure we'll find that ..."
	
"No, maybe we won't," he said softly, and gathered her 
to him. "But I don't want to look back on my life, 
whenever it's time for me to do so, and think I could 
have done so much better. I used to settle for mediocre 
in the past because I didn't think I deserved better, but 
that's not what I want anymore. I want what's best for 
us." She could barely understand it when he went on in 
an almost inaudible whisper. "And call me selfish, but I 
definitely want what's best for me."
	
"You deserve the best," she replied softly, turning her 
head and kissing the side of his neck softly. She felt him 
smile.
	
"Do I?"
	
"I think so. You know, Father Joe said something to me 
that struck a chord."
	
His eyebrows shot up. "I didn't think you paid attention 
to anything he said. But he was right when he told you 
not to give up. You didn't give up on me and you didn't 
give up on Christian. Now I can imagine Christian is 
pretty happy about you decision not to quit, but I 
personally couldn't have gone on without you. I need 
you, Scully."
	
"I know. But there was something else he said, and I 
don't think he himself remembered saying it even 30 
minutes later. But I haven't been able to get it out of my 
head ever since."
	
"What was it?"
	
She sat up again. "He said ... he spoke about my 
husband."
	
He felt his heart constrict and expand all at the same 
time. "And?"
	
She sighed. "And I told him you weren't my husband. 
And I didn't mind saying that to him, because I loved 
disagreeing with him and proving him wrong. But it 
wasn't as though it didn't feel ..."
	
"What?"
	
"You know, I felt you should've been," she whispered, 
not looking at him. "God, how I wanted to claim you as 
my husband, even if it meant that he was right. Because, 
no matter where we stood, it was really just the 
terminology that was incorrect." She lifted her eyes to 
meet his and smiled a little. "He was right about 
everything else. And there's no point in hiding or 
pushing away feelings that have every right to be there. I 
want to call you my husband ..."
	
He smiled, revelling in the warm feeling that coursed 
through his body. "I want to be your husband."
	
She smiled widely as well, feeling elated and a bit 
emotional. "Are you proposing to me?"
	
He winked. "Last time I checked, you seemed to have 
started it." 
	
She chuckled. "Well, you wanted change ..."
	
He laughed. "That sure is a change. But do you really 
want to marry me?"
	
She nodded, looking him straight in the eye. "Yes, I do 
want to marry you. And you've given me plenty of 
reasons not to do it, but after sixteen years you're still 
the only one I want to be with, and I don't think any of 
the reasons to leave you carries any weight anymore."
	
"Sixteen years."
	
She nodded, smiling. "Kind of boggles the mind, 
doesn't it?"
	
He shook his head slightly in disbelief. "If you'd told 
me back in 1992 ..."
	
"... I would have laughed in your face," she finished his 
sentence. "Seems we've been growing old together."
	
Somehow that statement made him feel very warm 
inside. "I want to go on growing old with you."
	
"Only with you," she whispered. She leaned in and 
kissed him, long and slow. She held his face lightly in 
one hand while keeping her other hand interlaced with 
his. She was kissing her husband, she thought, feeling a 
little giddy at the thought. About time.
	
"I came across pictures recently from one of our very 
first cases together," he murmured. "We were so young 
..."
	
"We were so young and innocent. And you were so 
hot," she smiled.
	
He faked indignation. "I'm not hot anymore?"
	
She chuckled. "You're still beautiful," she whispered, 
"but when I first met you, I couldn't believe how 
gorgeous you were."
	

"Well, I'm sure I've deteriorated over the years with 
time and abductions and that annoying little death-spell 
all taking its toll. But you're still as gorgeous as you 
always were. In fact, I think you look a lot better now 
than you did when we were first partnered up."
	
"Don't be ridiculous, Mulder, I'm 44! It's really sweet 
of you to say that, but there's no way I look better now 
than I did when I was 28."
	
"Okay, so don't believe me," he said, pouting, but she 
could see his eyes laughing.
	
"We had no idea what was in store for us back then."
	
"And a good thing it was too!" he replied. "I wouldn't 
have wanted to know what I know now." He pressed a 
kiss on her lips. "But I want to have fun finding out 
what the future still holds for us."
	
She nodded. "You know, I think I will write that 
article."
	
"Good."
	
"And then I'll quit my job and we'll move far far away."
	
"Away from the darkness."
	
"And we'll get married."
	
He shook his head. "If it's in that order I'm not waiting 
that long, sweetheart. I'm not a patient man."
	
"All right," she sighed with a twinkle in her eye, "let's 
move first and then I'll write that article ..."
	
He growled, he couldn't help it. She silenced it with a 
finger on his lips.
	
"I'm sorry, just teasing."
	
He smiled, gently drawing her on top of him so they 
were lying on the sofa. "I don't want to wait," he 
whispered. "I feel like I've waited too long already."

	
She nodded, looking down at his face. She could fall 
asleep like this if the look in his eyes wasn't making her 
feel like she had more interesting activities waiting for 
her. "Same here. " 

"You still tired?"

"No, besides, I want to make love to my husband."
	
"I'm not your husband yet."
	
She shrugged with a smile. "Trivialities. Feel free to nit-
pick anytime."
	
He laughed. "I will, you know, I always have."
	
She sighed but smiled. "Yes, you have. Now give me 
that lovin' you promised me."

THE END