From: Kirsten Kerkhof <kirsten_xf@yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 15:32:02 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: New stories
Source: direct

TITLE: "Dithis" 
AUTHOR: Kirsten Kerkhof * kirsten_xf@yahoo.com 
RATING: PG-13 
CLASSIFICATION: Mulder/Scully Romance 
CATEGORY: V R A 
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. 
SPOILERS:  Nope. 
FEEDBACK: As always -- A Mulder to taste for those who write. 
SUMMARY: Their worst nightmare is coming true. Character 
death. 
NOTE: This one was first in a series of three 'character death' 
stories. Guess I was going through a strange time ... I originally 
wrote it in first person, but it became too depressing so I rewrote it 
into what it is now. 

XxXxX
"Dithis"
XxXxX 
 
   The bullet had been way too small for the injuries it had 
caused. There must have been  
more bullets, she knew it. Or perhaps the bullet had had a hollow 
point. That could have been  
the case. But then the injuries hadn't been serious enough. If the 
point had indeed been hollow,  
his spine would have been blasted right out of his back. She 
sighed. She didn't know. And the  
forensic data gathered from the crime scene weren't back from the 
lab, so right now she knew  
practically nothing. 
   But Dana Scully knew one thing: if her partner really did 
have nine lives, he was going  
to need at least seven of them to have a chance to leave this 
hospital alive. And something told  
her he had already used those seven lives. 
   But she refused to give up hope. Her mother, who was also 
in the room, had. And so  
had the doctors. But she hadn't. She couldn't let him go just yet. 
Not now. Not now when  
they had finally started to live. She couldn't let him die, she 
couldn't, couldn't ... 
   Scully softly stroked his hair and swallowed a lump in her 
throat at the sudden thought  
that maybe soon, very soon, she'd never be able to feel him like 
this again. She shook her head. 
   'Please, Mulder', she thought. 'Keep fighting, keep up the 
good work. Don't leave me  
here all alone, Mulder, please ...' 
   He was still unconscious. Had been so almost all the time 
since the shooting. She had  
been sitting here for hours now, holding his hand. Six hours had 
passed since he had returned  
from surgery, an emergency operation that had lasted more than 
five nerve-racking, long  
hours. And there had been nothing she had been able to do to help 
him ... 
   The shooting had practically been an execution. Somehow 
the man had found a way to  
get past them unnoticed - probably using the third floor, she 
thought - and when she and  
Mulder had walked around the corner, he had been ready, waiting 
for them. And pointing the  
gun directly at Mulder's stomach, he had pulled the trigger. 
   The sight of Fox Mulder collapsing onto the floor, hearing 
the soft groan he had  
uttered, the way he had lain motionless on the carpet in the 
corridor of the office building, it  
would be etched on her memory for all eternity, haunting her until 
the day she'd die. 
   Somehow the paramedics had reached them just in time to 
save Mulder's life. Before  
he had bled out. She had been so relieved ... 
   But now that she saw him here in ICU she wasn't so sure 
anymore. 
   The fact that the doctors had more or less given up on him 
hadn't been that bad.  
Actually, even though they still didn't think he'd pull through, at 
least they were giving him  
another two days at minimum now, instead of just the hours they 
had given him right after the  
operation. The damage done to his body was awful, but everybody 
seemed to be cautiously  
optimistic about Mulder's chances. 
   Except Scully. 
   She knew it. She saw it. And she felt it. In her heart: Fox 
Mulder had given up. 
   It wasn't that he didn't fight. He fought like crazy to come 
back. But not for himself.  
He fought for her. And the knowledge was bittersweet. 
   She felt a tear trickle down her cheek and she slowly wiped 
it away as she watched the  
steady rise and fall of his chest, assuring her that he was indeed 
still alive. She saw him  
breathing, she heard the even beeps of his EKG monitor, it 
showed her that all was not lost  
yet. 
   'Not yet', she thought as she looked at his face, loving him 
so much that it was almost  
pure energy. 'But soon it will be, won't it, Mulder? I know you're 
fighting, but I don't think  
you can win. Not this time ... This time we can't win ...' 
   She lifted his hand to her lips and placed a soft kiss on his 
fingers. With her lips still  
touching his fingers she looked at his face. He hadn't moved. 
   Then all of a sudden the adrenaline that had kept her 
going for all these hours seemed  
to have run out and she felt incredibly exhausted. She wanted 
nothing but sleep, right here, his  
hand in her own. Sleep, safe and protected, with Mulder next to 
her. And as she felt herself fall  
asleep she took a silent vow that she'd look out for him. She knew 
he heard her unspoken  
promise. She knew he knew. 
 
   He didn't die that night. Nor did he die during the day that 
followed. He continued the  
desperate battle for his life, but Scully could see it was all in vain. 
He hadn't regained  
consciousness for more than a few minutes at about five p.m. But 
the morphine, combined  
with the shock his body had suffered had caused him to fall asleep 
almost immediately again. 
   Scully never left his bedside for more than minutes at a 
time. She couldn't. She knew  
he needed her here. Her presence, her touch, her voice. And that's 
why she kept talking to  
him, whispering softly, the subjects ranging from work-related 
topics to what she thought of  
his sunflower seed addiction. Anything. Anything would do. 
   Her mother had started praying for him. It had caused 
ambivalent feelings in her, but  
she hadn't asked her mother to stop. There was so little else they 
could do ... 
   Scully felt awfully useless. 
   The doctors had come to check on him a few times during 
that day. And they had told  
Scully they were surprised at his apparent steadily improving 
condition. They had even  
congratulated her at one point ... 
   Scully had wanted to knock their artificial teeth down their 
throats. 
   "They say you're doing well, Mulder", she said softly and 
smiled. "I think you are,  
aren't you?" 
   She felt disgusted with herself as she heard the lie. Things 
weren't improving at all. He  
was getting weaker every minute. She saw it and then she sighed. 
 
   Night fell again and her mother left the room to get some 
sleep. She had never ceased  
her prayers and Scully knew she'd continue praying for him as 
long as his condition was so  
critical. 
   "Hey, Mulder", she said softly and stroked his hand. "You 
scared the hell out of me,  
you know? What am I going to do with you? You really have to 
get rid of this tendency always  
to run into guns and knives. I'm not very good at acting on this 
side of a hospital bed ..." 
   She touched his knuckles to her lips, pressing a soft kiss on 
them. Then she laid her  
head on the bed, his hand firmly in her own and just before she 
felt herself drifting away in  
sleep she pressed her cheek in the palm of his hand, safe and 
sweet. Then she fell asleep, a deep  
dreamless sleep. 
 
   Scully woke up at the feeling of a hand slowly stroking her 
cheek. She blinked a few  
times, yawned and then looked up. And saw Mulder gently 
smiling at her. 
   "Mulder?" she whispered incredulously. 
   He merely smiled and she quickly sat upright. 
   "I'm so glad that you're finally awake, Mulder! I was so 
worried!" 
   He nodded slightly and then his gentle smile faded, 
revealing a soft sadness in his eyes. 
   "I woke you up, because ... I wanted to tell you good-bye, 
Scully", he said softly. 
   She was speechless, even though her mind screamed in 
anguish and disbelief. It took a  
while before she found the strength to speak and even then it was 
difficult. 
   "No, Mulder, you can't leave me! You can't!" she said 
softly and desperately. 
   "Scully, I ..." 
   "No, no, no, Mulder! I can't let you go, dammit! I can't let 
you leave me, do you hear  
me? I can't ...". Her voice drowned in her sobs as she held his 
hand for dear life and cried. 
   Mulder gently withdrew his hand from hers and caressed 
her hair as she kept her face  
buried in the soft mattress, crying uncontrollably. 
   "Scully, shh ... I'm sorry, please don't cry, Scully", he 
whispered. "Shh ... come here,  
Scully ... Dana ..." 
   She lifted her head from the bed and looked at him. His 
face was completely at rest,  
apart from a slight troublesome look in his eyes from her reaction. 
He looked very peaceful  
and at ease. 
   He reached out his hand, inviting her to come closer to 
him. So she did what seemed  
natural to her: she took off her shoes and without bothering about 
what people might or might  
not think, she went to lie down next to him on the bed. It felt so 
good, so right, as she wrapped  
her arms around him and pulled him closer. 
   "I'm sorry I was so blunt, Scully, I didn't want to frighten 
you ...", he said. 
   "It's all right, Mulder. And you weren't blunt, it's just that 
... it was such a shock ... I ..." 
   "I'm really sorry, Scully. But ... you know, I don't think I'm 
going to get better and  
now I ...". He stopped and looked at her. 
   Scully looked back and as realisation dawned she gulped. 
   "Do you want to die, Mulder?" she asked after a while, her 
voice soft. 
   He didn't answer immediately, but looked away. 
   "Mulder?" 
   The he slowly nodded and as he looked back at her, he 
whispered almost inaudibly: 
   "Yes" 
 
   They were silent for minutes, Mulder trying to gather 
enough strength and energy to  
stay awake, Scully trying to pick up all the pieces of her heart and 
put them together again. 
   "Yes, Scully, I do want to die", he said softly. His voice 
was remarkably calm. "You  
know, I've been there, I've been where I will go before long and ... 
it was so beautiful, Dana,  
so peaceful ... It's an amazing place and I want to go back there. 
So much ...". His eyes  
sparkled with anticipation as he told her. 
   She nodded. She understood. He sounded so happy, she 
knew he longed to go, to go  
back to that wonderful place. But could she let him? 
   "But what about me, Mulder? How can you leave me 
now?" 
   He looked back at her, his expression slightly troubled. 
   "That's the problem, Scully. I can't. I can't leave you and I 
can't take you with me  
either. That's why I woke you up before I ... I'd die ... To say 
good-bye to you, to thank you,  
but also to explain to you why I've chosen to die. And I want you 
to know that although I'll  
leave you, I will never *really* leave you ..." 
   He sighed. 
   "It's so hard, Scully. I don't want to live anymore, not like 
this, but I don't want to die  
either. I love you too much, Scully. But because I have to make a 
choice, I need you." 
   "To help you choose, Mulder?" 
   "No, I've made my choice, Scully. I want to die. But not 
without knowing that you  
understand why I've taken this decision, that you'll be able to feel 
as much at ease with it as is  
possible. I don't want you to think that anything of this is your 
fault. You've done everything  
you could and what is happening here is entirely out of our 
control." 
   She swallowed and nodded. She understood what he 
wanted to say and she respected  
his choice. If only she wouldn't feel like she was being dragged 
through hell and back ... 
   "I'm so glad you're telling me, Mulder. Really I am ..." 
   Then she couldn't control herself anymore and burst out 
crying. She hid her face  
against his chest as he gently gathered her to him. 
   "But why, Mulder?" she whispered, her voice choking on 
her sobs. "Why you? Why  
us? Why won't they just leave us alone and let us be happy 
together? Why can't we? It's so  
unfair! So unfair ... After all we've done, we don't deserve this ..." 
   She lifted her tear-stained face from his chest to look him 
in the eyes. She was  
desperate. 
   "I want you to live, Mulder, please! I can't let you go, I 
can't!! Please, don't leave me,  
Fox, please, don't leave me ... please ..." 
   She closed her eyes as she tried to control the violent sobs 
that ran through her. She  
felt his lips press a tender kiss on her forehead and a sharp pang 
tore her heart to pieces at the  
notion that this would be one of the last times she would feel him 
like that. She gasped as the  
thought robbed her from her breath. 
   "I'm so sorry, Scully", he whispered and she saw tears in 
his eyes. "I'm so, so sorry ..." 
   "I know you are, I know ... Please don't blame yourself, 
Mulder, it's all right, shh ... I  
know you would never decide such a thing without having 
thought long about it. I know ..." 
   She rested her head in the curve of his neck, breathing in 
the familiar warm smell of  
him, memorising it, knowing that not very long from now she'd 
never ever experience this  
again. 
   "I understand, I respect your choice, Mulder. And I want 
you to know that you can go.  
I'll let you go, Fox ... I want you not to worry about anything, 
everything is all right, I  
understand ...", she whispered, slowly raking her fingers through 
his slightly damp hair. He was  
feverish, she noticed, but right now she wasn't going to let that 
stop her. She doubted whether  
there was anything or anybody capable of stopping her from doing 
this right now. From being  
here with him. 
   She felt his lips place a very soft, tender kiss on her 
temple, his lips trembling slightly.  
Then he made her look at him and the look she found in his eyes 
took her breath away. 
   "Thank you, Scully. Thank you so very, very much for 
these wonderful years. For all  
you've done for me ..." He closed his eyes and whispered: "Thank 
you ...". 
   It was enough to make her tears fall down on the pillow. 
They remained silent, a  
comfortable silence of mutual understanding and respect. 
   Then Scully broke the silence, speaking softly. 
   "Is there anything you want me to do for you, Mulder? To 
... help you?" She tried hard  
not to cry even more. 
   He hardly needed time to think. 
   "Yes", he said softly. "There are two last things I'd like to 
ask you, no, three things  
actually ... First is that if I'm going to need oxygen or painkillers I 
want you to give them to  
me. I've got no desire to die a martyr here ..." 
   She nodded. "You've got my word." 
   "Thank you, Scully. The second thing is that *you* will 
call my mother. I want you to do  
it, not the doctors or anybody else. She likes you very much, she 
respects you, she'll  
understand when it's you who tells her what I decided, what we 
both decided ..." 
   "I promise", she whispered. "And three?" 
   "The third thing I'd like to ask you, Scully ...", he said and 
paused. He looked at her  
and made her look back. "... please, ask your mother to stop 
praying for me. I can't go when  
she's keeping me here, Scully, her prayers are keeping me here ... 
Will you ask her to stop  
praying for me, please, Scully?" 
   "It will be so hard for her, Fox", Scully whispered. "She 
loves you so much, she can't  
just let you go ..." 
   "I understand, Dana, really I do ..." 
   Scully took a shuddery breath and wiped the tears from her 
face. 
   "I'll ask her ..." 
   "Thank you, Dana, I know how difficult this is ..." 
   'No, you don't', Scully thought as she got from the bed and 
went in search of her  
mother. 'You've got no idea how hard all this is. No idea at all!' 
 
   As she re-entered the room she found Mulder lying still in 
bed, his eyes closed and for  
one frightening moment her heart stopped. Then he opened his 
eyes and turned his head  
towards her to look at her. He smiled. 
   "You came back!" he said, surprised, even though Scully 
didn't understand why. 
   "Of course I came back, Mulder", she answered. 
   "Come here, Scully", he said softly. 
   She removed her shoes again and climbed back onto the 
bed, but right now she slid  
between the sheets, next to him. She knew that these were going 
to be the very last hours  
she'd ever spend with him, and she wanted to be as close to him 
as she could. 
   "You know, Scully", he said softly as he felt her arms 
around him. "You were right. It  
isn't fair." 
   "This isn't about fair, Mulder", she answered. "This is 
about life and death. All  
creatures must die, and some will die young and others will live to 
be very old, to see their off- 
spring grow up and have children of their own. But there'll always 
be that one day when we  
die. It's a fact of life and there's nothing we can do about it." 
   "But there's so much I still wanted to do ... with you ... and 
now ..." 
   She looked at him and knew. 
   "The same goes for me, Mulder. I've often thought about 
us and ... somehow it's  
almost unreal what is happening to us right now. And I can't help 
but think what would have  
happened, where we would be now, if ... if I hadn't asked you to 
go first, if it had been me  
instead of you, if ..." 
   "No, Scully! Please don't blame yourself for what has 
happened! There's nothing you  
could've done to prevent what happened there on the scene. I 
know that if you could have  
stopped anything from  happening you would have done 
everything in your power to make the  
situation change, I know ..." 
   She shook her head. "I should have known he'd use that 
third floor, Mulder. He almost  
*told* me!" Then she looked at him and he felt his heart freeze at 
seeing her apparent self- 
loathing. 
   "It's all my fault, Mulder ... You're dying because I wasn't 
smart enough to correctly  
interpret his hints! It's all my fault ... It always is ..." 
   She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her 
face against his cheek and cried. 
   "I'm sorry, Mulder. I'm so, so sorry I let you down ..." 
   He stroked her hair and shook his head. 
   "No, Scully, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't ... shh, Dana! It 
wasn't your fault ..." 
   "It was, Mulder! He practically told me his intentions and I 
dismissed them! I can't  
believe how stupid I was! And now ... now you're here and you're 
going to die and it's all my  
fault! Oh, Mulder, I'm so sorry, I really am ..." 
   He gently wiped her tears away with his thumbs. 
   "Can you forgive me, Mulder? Please, tell me you forgive 
me ... please ...", she  
whispered and looked at him, her eyes begging him to forgive her. 
So he cradled her face in his  
hands and with his forehead touching hers he whispered: 
   "I forgive you." 
   That was the moment the last wall broke, the moment the 
last obstruction came  
tumbling down and she crushed him to her. 
   "I love you, Mulder", she whispered. "So much ..." 
   "I love you, too, Scully. With all my heart. And I need you 
to know that you never let  
me down. Never!" 
   "I didn't?" 
   "No" 
   "Never?" she whispered, smiling despite her tears. He 
smiled back. 
   "No" 
   "Wow ...", she said and smiled. 
   They stayed silent for a long time and Scully felt that he 
was getting very weak. This  
last scene had really exhausted him, she realised. 
   "Are you tired, Mulder?" she asked. 
   He nodded. "I am, but I don't want to go yet, Scully. I don't 
want to ..." 
   She brushed his hair from his forehead and gathered him 
to her, making him bury his  
head in the curve of her neck, his arms circling her waist. He 
closed his eyes and sighed. 
   "I love you, Scully ..." 
   "I know, Mulder", she said and smoothed his hair, kissing 
him softly. "I know ..." 
   The atmosphere in the room was so peaceful, so serene 
that it brought a smile to her  
lips. Everything was so right, so beautiful, it was almost perfect. 
   She soon heard his breathing slow down, indicating that he 
had fallen asleep, inevitably  
drifting further away into unconsciousness. She thanked God for 
this act of mercy. That he  
would never be consciously aware of the moment he'd die. That 
he'd die without pain, without  
suffering. 
   How long she had been there with him she didn't know. 
She only listened and  
memorised everything. At one point he had half woken up with 
pain and she had given him  
morphine, after which he had quickly lost consciousness again. 
She talked to him, whispered to  
him, little words of love and affection, knowing that somehow he 
would hear them. 
 
   She wondered if she had fallen asleep. For when she 
looked at her watch she saw that  
five hours had passed since the moment she had asked her mother 
to stop her prayers for him. 
   She looked at him, the relaxed, peaceful expression on his 
handsome face making her  
eyes pool. She knew he was very tranquil, very much at rest. 
   But his respiration had become so shallow, so weak that it 
chilled her heart. 
   It was almost over, she realised. 
   It was just a matter of time now. Right now all depended 
on the strength of his body  
and when it would finally give in to the forces that were 
destroying it. 
   Tears were running over her face as she gently brushed her 
lips over his closed eyelids.  
She closed her eyes and as her lips stayed on his forehead, she 
lifted a silent prayer that it might  
soon be over, praying that he wouldn't have to suffer much longer. 
   She couldn't control the sobs that ran through her as she 
held on to him like a life line.  
He was her life line! And she desperately needed him, she 
couldn't let him go, let him leave her  
all alone in the world without him to watch over her. 
   "I love you, Mulder, I love you. I'll miss you ...", she 
whispered. "Thank you so much  
for everything ..." 
   She heard his breathing stop for a few seconds, then 
continue weakly. One minute later  
he stopped breathing again, but again he went on. His lips were 
blue with the lack of oxygen in  
his body. 
   It was clear that it was very hard for him to breathe and as 
she wondered how much  
longer he would be able to stay alive, she reached down in order 
to untangle his arms from  
around her waist and to go get the oxygen. 
   But then she heard him once again stop breathing and this 
time it lasted minutes at a  
stretch. His hands grew ice-cold and his skin turned ashen. 
   And just when she thought it was all over, she heard him 
take one more deep breath.  
His eyelids fluttered open and they looked at each other for a long, 
magical moment. 
   "... Scully ...", he whispered, his voice so weak she could 
barely hear him. 
   Then he breathed out, a long, shuddery breath and he 
momentarily tightened his arms  
around her waist. 
   And died. 
 
   Scully had known he had died, well before she had felt the 
physical signals, the  
stopping of his heart, the coldness of his body, she had known it 
right away, the knowledge  
washing over her with a force so powerful that she had almost 
willed herself to die as well. 
   She had expected she would cry, but to her own surprise 
she didn't. Instead a very  
peaceful feeling came over her and as she looked at his dear face, 
so still now, she felt nothing  
but gratitude and endless, bottomless love for him. 
   "Farewell, my love. See you soon", she whispered, smiling 
down at him.
   Very gently she closed his eyes and after placing a kiss on 
his slightly parted lips, she  
untangled herself from his embrace. Then she slipped out of bed 
and went to call the nurse. 
 
"Dithis" > Scottish Gaelic meaning "Two People" 
The X-Files * Dithis