From: Kirsten Kerkhof Date: Fri, 24 Sep 2010 23:11:00 +0200 Subject: "Maggie Scully visits" by Kirsten Kerkhof Source: direct TITLE: "Maggie Scully Visits" AUTHOR: Kirsten Kerkhof * CLASSIFICATION: MSR KEYWORDS: S A RATING: PG SPOILERS: Primarily for: Requiem, DeadAlive, Three Words, Fight the Future. TIMELINE: Right in the middle of season 8. I never thought I'd go there again after all these years ... And no romantic fluff either! I'm losing my touch ... ;) SUMMARY: Mulder is not coping well with his return from the grave and Scully's pregnancy, and Maggie decides to have a little heart-to-heart conversation to get him back on track. DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Whose are they by now anyway? LOL ARCHIVING: Sure. I'll do Gossamer myself, all others: you're welcome when you tell me where it's going, 'kay? FEEDBACK: Cherished and worshipped at XxXxX "Maggie Scully visits" By Kirsten Kerkhof XxXxX "Mrs Scully." "Hi, Fox, can I come in?" Mulder opened the door wider. "Yeah, sure, come in." He closed the door behind her, then held out his hand to take her coat. "Dana's not in today. You should've called." "I know she's not here. I called her two days ago." "Oh ..." They walked into the living room of Scully's apartment. "Did you move in with Dana?" He shrugged. "Yeah, well, it's a little hard to keep up an apartment when you're officially dead ..." Maggie winced a little when she heard the slightly bitter tone in his voice, and she was more convinced than before that she'd made the right decision to come over today. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was more than necessary. "Can I get you something to drink? Coffee or tea or ..." "If it's not a bother, I would love some tea, please, thank you." "No, no bother at all. I'll be right back." She smiled thanks, and watched him go into the kitchen, his movements sure from years of experience. Her smile became softer. He might not have moved in until very recently, but she knew he'd been here so often he probably knew this place as well as Dana did. For a moment she was tempted to go and help him, but then decided against it. No, she was going to interfere enough already, let him do this himself. He appeared with two mugs. "I think Dana said you prefer herbal teas so I got you some red tea." She smiled. "Thank you, that's lovely." She noticed he'd taken coffee. "You don't drink tea?" "Not if I have the choice." They sipped the hot drinks. "So, if you knew Dana was going to be out, why did you come? I mean, you're more than welcome, but ..." "I came to see you," Maggie said, deciding not to beat about the bush. She realised he'd probably already figured out as much, and there was no reason to hide it. "Where's Dana, by the way? She didn't tell me; or rather, I forgot to ask." "At the Bureau. She still has a job after all." "You didn't want to go with her?" He shook his head. "I'm out of a job at the moment, I have no business there now. I think they're trying to figure out what to do with me -- actually, to be quite honest, I wish I knew what to do with me." She reached over and took his hand. "Are you okay, Fox?" She was a little surprised at the sad look in his eyes. Scully had told her about the way his eyes had changed, there was something dark and haunted in their expression now, and she realised she was seeing it now. "Physically I'm alright," he said softly. "They kept me in hospital for a lot longer than I'd expected and not even Dana could spring me prematurely. Clean bill of health and all that. These scars just need time, I guess ..." His voice petered out until she could barely hear it. "But inside ..." He let out a soft breath. "I don't know, Maggie, I really don't know. I'm ... I'm confused. I don't know what happened, I don't know where I stand ... The world moved on and I wasn't there. Dana's moved on ..." "Are you talking about her being pregnant?" He didn't react at all, and the simple fact that he didn't give any reaction was confirmation enough for her. "Have you two talked about this?" His lips curved in a wry smile. "We don't talk much, we never have. And now ... with this baby ..." They fell silent for a few moments. Maggie studied him and then decided to ask him straight on. "Do you think the baby is yours?" She saw him freeze. His eyes were fixed on a spot on the wall and she watched how his face went through a series of expressions, each one lasting only a fraction of a second. Still, she could read every single one as clearly as a book. Dana had once said he could be inscrutable if he chose to be so, but right now he didn't seem to be able to hide anything. "I think ... I -- Scully doesn't talk -- I ..." He leaned forward and put his face in his hands. "I don't know ..." He shook his head. "I don't know anything anymore ..." She got up and sat down on the couch beside him. "Are you and Dana lovers?" She saw him nod. "Yeah, we are." He lifted his head and looked at her. There were a few tears in his eyes and her heart softened. God, she's always hated it when her children were sad, and this hurt just as badly. "But things have changed so much ..." "Were you two lovers before ... you were taken?" He nodded again. "That's why I'm so confused," he said softly. "That baby ... could be mine, but at the same time ..." "Would you like me to tell you?" He looked down. "Would it be good news?" Maggie smiled even though he couldn't see it. "I'd say that depends on whether you want to be the father of Dana's baby." He chuckled. "That's true." Then he took a deep breath. "Well, seeing that I'm not brave enough to ask her myself ..." She took his hand again. "Well, to put you out of your misery on this: you are the father." She saw him let out a deep breath, but a small smile appeared at the same time, a smile he seemed unable to hide. "Does that surprise you?" He shook his head. "No. Yes. Maybe. Although that still doesn't explain how she managed to get pregnant in the first place." "Why didn't you ask her?" "She didn't tell me." Maggie raised her eyebrows. "So you asked?" He shook his head. "No." "Did you think Dana was having somebody else's baby?" He didn't answer immediately, but again covered his face in his hands. "Fox?" "Maggie, I was dead. It could easily have been ... There was no reason for ..." "For what?" "She -- ... I once told her that ... if I were to die ... I didn't want her to be a grieving widow, you know ... even though we never got married. I just ..." "What?" "When I saw her ... like that ..." He sighed. "God, this is going to sound awful!" He shook his head. "I thought ... 'Was I that dispensable?'." Maggie couldn't believe her ears. "Did you really think she's trade you in that easily?" He frowned. "I don't know! I'm telling you I don't know! I just ... Maggie, this baby, she wasn't supposed to be able to have children, but we'd never had any proof that was actually true, we'd just been told so. And ... I'm not old-fashioned enough to think that it couldn't -- ... this infertility ... it could just as well have been me, you know ... Who was to say that it wasn't in fact me who was infertile? The result would've been exactly the same. So when I saw her ... pregnant ..." "You thought it might have been by another man," she finished softly. He nodded. "Especially because she wouldn't talk about it ..." She rubbed his back in a gesture that was eerily familiar, but at the same time unbelievably caring. "It's so hard. It is so incredibly hard ..." he whispered and she could almost hear the emotions running amok inside his head. "I know," Maggie said softly. "You can cry if you want to." He swallowed heavily and shook his head. "I'm alright." "Cry, Fox. Cry, scream, curse, do whatever, but get it out of your system." She saw him bite his lips so hard they turned white under his teeth. A little more force and she was afraid he'd break the skin. "No. No, I can't. I shouldn't." 'Damn it,' she thought, 'and here I thought my own sons were stubborn.' She gently but decidedly took his chin in her hand and turned his head to face hers. The look in his eyes shocked her. When Dana had told her he was haunted, she's had no idea just how badly. "I'm not cruel, Fox, I don't enjoy seeing people cry. And I certainly don't enjoy seeing the people I love cry. But I do want those I hold dearest in my heart to be able to cope with life. And right now you're not coping." With his face still in her left hand, she brushed the hair on his forehead away with her right hand. She could physically see the tears he was pushing down. "You are as dear to me as my own children. I would never think of you otherwise than one of my own sons. I love you as a mother, because you are worthy of that kind of love. You are worthy of the love Dana gives you, and you are worthy of the kind of motherly love I'm giving you. And I want you to be able to live." "I'm alive," he choked out and she smiled. She wasn't sure he understood on how many levels that simple phrase was true. "Yes, you are." With a sigh she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close. "You are very much alive, and God bless you for coming back to Dana ..." She felt his body shake with the tremors of his emotions as he finally gave in to his frustrations and his grief. "That's it, sweetheart," she murmured, "let it out. That's it, let go ... Shhh, you're going to be fine, shhhhh ..." When she noticed the worst was over, she gently let go of him, realising very well he'd probably be embarrassed of having let go so much. "Would you like a tissue?" she asked. He nodded and took a deep breath. "This is ridiculous ..." he murmured as he blew his nose. "I've never let go this much. I thought I had at least a little self-control ..." She smiled a little. "You have more than enough self- control, that's why you hadn't broken down before. You needed a little incentive and I think it has done you a lot of good." She rose from the couch. "I'll get you another cup of coffee, I'd say you deserved as much." "I can get it," he said, but she stopped him by holding up a hand. "Not at all. You're staying right here and you're letting me get this for you," He chuckled a little watery. "Yes, mom." "That's right. You stay right here on the couch and you let me be a mom for you," she said, smiling. She had a feeling he might bolt, but then again, he probably wouldn't. At the same time she was glad there was still coffee in the pot and she wouldn't have to waste time to make new. She had him where she wanted him, and he definitely didn't need time to hide back inside his shell again. At least, not before he'd let go some more. She returned with two mugs of coffee and sat back down next to him on the couch. "Here you go." He smiled. "Thank you." Then he raised his eyebrows. "Wouldn't you rather have tea?" She smiled in return. "No, after this I need coffee." He chuckled in reply and together they drank their coffee in silence. He'd calmed down, Maggie noticed and she was glad. "How are you feeling?" He smiled a little. "Not too bad. A bit empty, a little confused. Rather embarrassed I let go so much, but I guess you were right that it was all for the better. It does feel good to just let it rip." He sighed. "I've wanted to do that before, but ... I didn't want to ... upset her, you know. She has so much to worry about already ..." She rested her hand on his arm. "Fox, do you think that you closing yourself off from Dana makes this any easier on her? I don't want to hurt you or accuse you of anything, but ... you need one another. You've both been through an unimaginable trauma, you need each other to make sense of it and get to grips with what happened. I know Dana has always been very good at denying there was anything wrong with her, but this time denial is not the answer." He was staring into the distance, biting his lips. It seemed as though he wasn't listening, but she was pretty sure he was hearing every single word she said. "I don't care what my sons think of you, Fox. I know that the man I see here is exactly whom my daughter needs. Especially at this stage of her life." This made him turn to look at her and she smiled. "As wonderful as it is, becoming a mother for the first time can also be traumatic. This baby she's expecting -- from now on Dana will never not be a mother again, and she knows that. I know the feeling because that's exactly what I was feeling when I was expecting my oldest boy. It's an incredibly daunting prospect. "I have no doubt Dana will be a good mother, and you'll be a wonderful father, but you'll need to let yourself be that. Be there for her, help her -- and I'm not talking about the simple things like Lamaze classes and so on -- but let her know, feel, that she can count on you, like she's always done. You have always been there for one another, through the very darkest periods and the happiest of times. This is both a very happy and an incredibly dark time for her and for you. If anything, please let my baby girl in, Fox." Maggie swallowed heavily. "She had to bury you, the only man she's ever truly loved. I've said as many prayers for her as I did for you because I was so certain she wouldn't survive this ... "Sweetheart, what you and Dana have is more than human. I loved my husband so much, I still do, but when I see Dana and you -- I know she is an incredibly lucky woman. And she suffered unbelievably for it in the last year." He buried his face in his hands again, feeling fresh tears well up. "She was the only thing that kept me going, Maggie," he whispered, tears choking his words. "Whenever I felt I couldn't bear another ... thing they did to me, I thought of her. Throughout the agony I envisioned her face, felt her kisses, her warmth, her love. She was all I had to keep me from going insane ..." He collapsed forward. "And then they took that away from me, too ... and I gave up ... I gave up ......." She pulled him to her, once again supporting him as a fresh bout of emotions overcame him. "You didn't give up, sweetheart; that would imply you had a choice. They took that choice away from you. I know you didn't choose to let go." "I couldn't go on, everything just -- ..." "Are you blaming yourself for not being able to keep going?" she asked softly. He nodded although it was barely visible. "I wanted to come back," he whispered in a pained voice. "For the first time in my life I had something to live for ... and they wouldn't let me ... When my sister was taken I blamed myself for had happened, because nobody would take that blame, and I was the one who let Samantha get away ..." "You were only a child back then, darling, there was nothing you could've done," she whispered. "I know ... But it messed up my life so badly ..." Maggie smiled a little. "Not completely, I'd say." When he didn't react, she smiled a little more. "You met Dana because of it." She felt him relax and imagined he was smiling a bit now. She let him sit back up, knowing that as a grown man, he would soon get embarrassed by being held. "She was sent to spy on me. She was meant to break me and get me to shut up." "I know." "She scared the shit out of me when she took my side." She chuckled softly. "How is that?" "I was a loner, I didn't do steady relationships." He looked down. "Before I met her, I hadn't- ..." He sighed. "I mean, I'd had girlfriends, but those were never relationships built on equality. And most of it would be about sex anyway. Oh, I'm sorry, I should mind my language." "Fox, I was married to a sailor and my boys are in the Navy. I can take quite a lot, although I do appreciate it that you want to mind your words. Anyway, you're an adult, it's not as though I'd be shocked by the notion." He smiled a little ruefully. "Yeah, well, sex is not something you want to talk about with parents." "Honey, you got my daughter pregnant, I'd say sex is a done deal here." He actually laughed at that. "Should I be proud now or feel thoroughly ashamed?" "At this stage in your relationship I'd think proud is probably the right feeling." She took his hand. "Do you want to be a father?" He didn't answer right away. "Yeah, I think I do. As a matter of fact it feels rather good, though I don't really know why ... Of course, Dana asked me to help her with that IVF a few years ago, it's not as though it's the first time the idea of paternity entered my mind." "I was so sad when that failed ..." He nodded. "Dana was distraught by it, she thought it was her last chance at becoming a mother." "How did you feel?" "I ... I think I mostly felt sorry for her, because she wanted to be a mother so badly and now it looked as though she'd never have that chance." "You're still talking about Dana," she said shrewdly. "How did *you* feel?" He turned to look at her. "Maggie, you should be a shrink! Or an interrogator in the Bureau, because you're good!" "Well, that's as may be, but how *did* you feel?" He sighed. "Sad. I didn't want to show it and I certainly tried not to dwell on it, but ... I knew then that I would never be a father either and somewhere deep that did hurt. Because there would never be a woman I'd want to have children with if it couldn't be with Dana. It was something we were forced to put behind us. Or so we thought at the time ... Of course, back then we weren't intimate and having a child the, erm, natural way wasn't really on our minds. Well, it was kind of on mine, and maybe on hers too, but we hadn't, well, done anything about it, so to speak." "You two sure took a long time to realise what everyone else seemed to have figured out from the start." He chuckled. "We were idiots. It's a mystery how two intelligent people like us could have deceived ourselves for so long." "The partnership regulations perhaps?" "Nah, we knew they had no value. I mean, we'd been hiding behind those for the first couple of years and probably rightly so, but we both knew of agents who'd gone from work partners to a steady couple and they'd kept their jobs just the same as long as their relationship didn't affect the day-to-day work. No, I think we were just idiots really." "So what caused that change then?" He shrugged a little. "Stress, hormones, lust. An overwhelming amount of love and attraction for one another. Lots of desire. The realisation that any lapses in our cover, any albeit innocent touches of affection didn't immediately cause the heavens to fall down on us. And in the end, a severe case of the I-don't-give-a-damns." He let out a short laugh. "Although maybe it's rather telling that our first time was on a case, exactly in that one situation where we were always so careful to remain professional." "Did it come as a relief?" He looked at her, unable to keep a small smile from appearing. "Yes. Yes, it did. Why are you asking?" Maggie smiled. "Fox, when my husband and I got engaged, there was nothing we wanted more than to be with each other. We were crazy about each other, but of course in our days you married as virgins. Now, with Bill being a sailor I couldn't truly vouch for him, although I flatter myself by thinking he'd never been with a woman before me, but I definitely was a virgin when I married him. With a family like mine, it was out of the question not to be. I won't say that our wedding night was a total success on that point, but just allowing ourselves to be together in every way we wanted was such a relief." "Does it bother you that we're not married? I mean, even if we do marry, she's, well, she won't be a virgin. And neither will I." She shook her head. "I'm not old-fashioned enough to believe Dana should've kept herself until she married. That's not the kind of world we live in nowadays. And at least she is with a man who loves her dearly and whom she is crazy about." "Do you ... do you think we should get married?" "Have you two talked about marriage?" He chuckled. "Well, I proposed to her once, but it was only a joke and of course she rebuffed me as she should have done anyway. But as a serious matter, no, we haven't. Not really anyway." "Would you like to marry her?" He bit his lips. "You know, the thing is that I don't really have a good image of marriage. My parents divorced after a pretty bad marriage and ... well, I just told myself I wouldn't let myself get into such a mess. And the women I was with before Dana, they were never worth it." "Is she worth it?" He smiled. "Yeah, I'd say she is." "Well, then, why don't you marry her?" He didn't reply. "Are you afraid you're not good enough for her?" Maggie suggested. "Or are you afraid she'll say no?" "I-..." She nailed him with a look that was so uncannily like Scully's at her most sceptical that he burst out laughing. He threw up his hands in defeat. "You're right, I'm scared of her rejection," he confessed with a grin. Then the smile faded. "I'm scared she'll walk out. I ... I've been left ... abandoned ... in one way or another ... all my life, except by her. She is truly the love of my life, I've told her and she knows it and ... well, she didn't walk out then, but ..." He sighed. "Of course she was on her way out anyway ..." "What? When?" He sighed again. "During the Dallas case, just before I had to make that ludicrous dash to Antarctica to save her. She was reassigned, and we were being split up, and I ... I had nothing to lose and everything to gain and I had to make her stay with me. She said she was going away and ... my world just fell apart, I couldn't let that happen. So I put my heart out and just ... told her the truth. That she was all that kept me whole, in fact that she made me whole." He put his hands in front of his face. "God, we nearly kissed if it hadn't been for that goddamn-darned, sorry, bee, sorry Maggie." "Don't worry about that," she said softly, trying not to distract him from his narrative. "She ... We realised then that there was no way we were going to let anyone split us up. But ... I'm not sure we weren't splitting us up ourselves. Because we were scared ..." "It was not a bad time for you, I seem to remember." His hands dropped away from his face and he shook his head. "No, it wasn't. Actually, it was one of those better times. We were happy to be alive. I was happy she was still with me after that spaceship and ... her cancer ... It seemed as though we'd been given a new opportunity. Of course, I proceeded to royally scre- mess things up after that by going back to Oregon and getting abducted ..." "Yes ..." Then Maggie took a deep breath. "There is one thing I've never understood about your abduction." "What?" "Why was Dana not there with you? I mean, I was very glad she wasn't or she might have been taken as well, and I don't think I would've been strong enough to go through it again, but ... why did she let you go there by yourself?" "Because I told her so. I don't know why, but something told me I couldn't risk it. Of course," he went on, letting out a short depreciating laugh, "that should've been enough of a sign that things were about to go hideously wrong. They always do when we're apart ..." "She didn't insist on coming along? It doesn't sound remotely like her to let you go alone." "Oh, she insisted. She was the one who made me take Skinner along." He let out a sigh. "God, she was so sad that night before I went into the forest and ... well ... Anyway, it nearly made me decide to call this whole thing off and go home with her. Which was exactly what I should have done of course." They fell silent. Maggie looked at him as he seemed engrossed in his own thoughts. He was running the nail of his left thumb over a ridge in the arm rest, but appeared unaware he was doing so. Then she took a deep breath. "What time is Dana coming home?" He looked up at the clock. It was just after five. "I'm expecting her home pretty soon actually." Then he looked at her. "Are you staying for dinner? You're more than welcome to." "Is that convenient? I would love to stay, but I'm not sure you were counting on an extra guest." He smiled. "No, we have enough food. Dana's a great shopper, and she's even off those salads now." "Cravings?" He chuckled. "Just for cookie dough ice cream. And I hardly count that as a real pregnancy craving since I could keep on eating that stuff as well." "Well, you're pregnant with her, you know," Maggie smiled. He nodded with a smile. "That's what they're saying, isn't it?" Then his smile faded. "Well, it doesn't really matter as long as I can make life a little easier for her. I've caused her enough sorrow to last her three lifetimes ..." "You've got to stop beating yourself up, sweetheart. This attitude isn't helping her one bit." He smiled wryly. "Now I know where she got it from." Just then they heard the front door open. "Hey, Muld-Mom? What are you doing here?" "Having a talk with Fox, that's all. How was your day?" "Okay, I guess," Scully answered. "Didn't I tell you I'd be out today?" Maggie nodded. "Yes, you did. Like I said, I came to talk with Fox." "And you didn't need me." It came out as a bitter statement and she instantly regretted the tone. "I'm sorry, mom, that came out wrong." "It's quite all right, honey," Maggie smiled. "Sit down. How are you doing?" Scully sat down next a little gingerly. "I'm fine. Work was uninteresting, and the baby has been kicking all day, but apart from that it's okay. What did you two talk about?" Mulder looked at Maggie who nodded. He took a deep breath. "The past year. My abduction, my ... death. And what happened when I came back." "Oh ..." Scully sighed and looked at him. "We don't talk, do we?" He smiled a little. "Not about what matters, I guess." She looked down at her hands. "I'm sorry," she said. He shook his head. "Don't be." Scully then turned towards her mother. "Mom, why did you come over?" Maggie sighed with a small smile. "Because at this moment you're not prepared to see the truth. And I needed someone to open up to it." "And that someone would be Mulder?" He threw up his hands. "You make it sound like that's so unlikely." Scully sighed and shook her head. "No! No, I'm sorry, that came out all wrong ..." Maggie moved to sit next to her. This wasn't going well. "Honey, we need to talk," she said, and Mulder took that as his cue to leave. "I'll leave you girls to it and get dinner on the way, okay?" "He cooks?" Maggie said with a smile, and Scully chuckled softly. "Yeah, he's quite the catch actually." Smiling, he left for the kitchen. When he got there, he leaned his hands on the kitchen counter and sighed heavily. He wondered how Maggie was going to handle her daughter and he wasn't truly sorry that he wasn't there. Then again, he had no doubt Maggie would know just how to do it. "Thank God she came along," he said softly to himself as he put the water on to cook the pasta, and smiled. They were in for a long journey and he had no idea where it was going to end, but at last, for the first time in a long time, he had the feeling that they were going to be okay again. THE END Kirsten Kerkhof