TITLE: "Little Demon Voice" 
AUTHOR: Kirsten Kerkhof * kirsten_xf@yahoo.com 
RATING: R for some strong language and situations 
CLASSIFICATION: Mulder/Scully Romance 
CATEGORY: V R A  
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters in this story are mine. Life 
isn't fair ... 
SPOILERS: None 
FEEDBACK: Please, I live for feed-back, especially for this one 
as it was kind of an experiment for me -- and a matter of prestige 
towards one of my teachers who claimed I couldn't write this ... 
SUMMARY: Mulder finds out that living without Scully is 
simply not possible. Character death, character insanity 
NOTE: Originally meant to be a companion-piece to Spirit Being, 
this story went its own way entirely. As I have no personal 
experience with mental problems myself (luckily) I'm not sure 
whether I succeeded in writing Mulder's loss of control over his 
own mind. I simply imagined what could be going on in that 
once-brilliant mind of his now that the only person who kept him 
sane has been taken from him.

XxXxX 
"Little Demon Voice"
XxXxX 
 
   My mind is so empty. I feel lost, bewildered, numbed too, 
at the same time. I knew this could happen one day, there had 
always been that Little Demon Voice in the back of my head, 
warning me not to take too much of the good stuff for granted; it 
had been there somewhere deep inside me, most of the times 
keeping quiet, but now and then it would rear its ugly head and 
nag me. But I knew it spoke the truth and I had kept its message 
in mind for years. 
   And then I met her. And I forgot about the Little Demon 
Voice. Or rather, I decided not to think about it anymore, because 
she could give me this sense of pure invincibility. Oh sure, I found 
myself in a hospital bed every few months, sometimes even on the 
brink of death, but still ... I always knew I didn't have to fear 
anything, because she'd always be there to look after me -- in an 
entirely professional way, of course -- and watch my back. She 
simply wouldn't let anybody hurt me. 
   But I couldn't reverse our positions. I wanted to, God 
knows I wanted to. *She* knows I wanted to, but I wasn't able to. 
   And now I'm alone. 
   It's certainly not the first time that I'm alone. I've been 
alone for years, pretty much since I was twelve, and quite frankly 
I never really cared. At least I would be able to do just what I 
wanted to do ... And maybe also because I knew nothing but 
loneliness. I guess I just couldn't imagine what it was like to care 
so much about a person. Or being cared dearly about. 
   She cared about me, I know she did. Perhaps she didn't 
always want to, but she did. She may still care about me, I don't 
know. But the fact remains that I'm all alone again and I just can't 
live with it anymore ... 
   In a way of course she's still with me. For a few more days 
I'll be able to look at her, though she doesn't realise it, and I'll 
memorise every bit, every image I get, and never forget. It'll have 
to keep me alive, that's how important it is. Just a few more days 
and really, if that's all that's left for me, I'll cherish it. But after 
that I'll never see her again. Ever. 
   She's sleeping so peacefully. Her eyes are closed and her 
pale face is so relaxed that it's almost pretty. Beautiful. She's a 
beautiful woman. Her mouth is closed as well, her lips curved in 
the tiniest of smiles. I think. I hope. But still something looks 
wrong about the way she's lying there. I mean, she's on her back, 
she never slept on her back, she often told me she couldn't sleep 
on her back. 
   And even now, now that she's dead, I can't help thinking 
that this is not the way she's supposed to be lying here. She can't 
sleep like this ... 
   I'm being silly. 
   Her hair is fanned out over the pillow her head rests on. 
Flames. Fire. Ice. Snow. Her body is so cold, so cold ... 
   As if possessed with a will of its own, my hand reaches out 
to touch her. I need to touch her, my body and mind yearn with a 
desire to touch her, to hold her and never let her go. I don't want 
to give her away, I can't give her back to the Earth from which we 
all came forth. The Earth has no right to have her already, I 
simply can't let the Earth swallow her whole, leaving me only a 
grave and a heart full of love. I can't ... 
   "Fox?" 
   There are only two people whom I allow to call me that, 
because I hate that name. Always have. Only our mothers can use 
it and not make me angry. Especially her mother can call me Fox, 
sometimes I think I even encourage her to use that name, because 
somehow she manages to strip the name of its ridiculous parts, 
making it sound like just another name. 
   "Fox?" 
   She's sounding more concerned now, the anxiety more 
powerful than the deep unfathomable grief that marks her gentle 
face. 
   "Fox, are you all right?" 
   I almost laugh. This is *such* a terribly wrong question and 
if I didn't feel so much sorrow for her as well, I'd tell her that. But 
I won't, because her question isn't meant to sound like that. And 
then I shake my head. 
   "No, Mrs Scully. I'll never be all right again ..." 
   I feel my shoulders encircled by soft woman's arms, warm 
and compassionate, though maybe pity is not exactly what I want 
right now. But once again I'm amazed by the incredible emotional 
strength of this woman. 
   She holds her arm around me, but I need more, I need a 
shoulder to cry on, a voice that tells me that it's all right, that I'm 
gonna be fine -- what a lie that is -- and that she'll always be there 
for me when I need her most. And instinctively I pull her closer 
and then we both look at her, my partner and friend, her daughter. 
Dana. 
   "Isn't she beautiful?" I hear her whisper. Tears are 
streaming down her face and I feel tears pricking in my eyes as 
well, hurting in my throat. I nod at her whisper. She is. 
   "I believe she's in much better place now, Mrs Scully", I 
say. I do believe she is, she can't be anywhere but Heaven itself. 
Not she. "And she's with her father now, and Melissa, I know how 
much she wanted to see them again ..." 
   "She always adored her father, Fox. I think she's very 
happy to be with him again." 
   I nod. "She deserves it ... She was so brave, Mrs Scully, 
she fought so hard ... And after all the pain ... there were 
moments that I simply couldn't bear the sight of the torture she 
went through, but she wouldn't give up ... But even she couldn't 
win such a battle and I'm so glad it's all over now ... that she's 
finally found peace ... rest ..." 
   "I'm too, Fox ...", she answers. 
   We both keep looking at her, not wanting to let one 
moment of this slip away unconsciously. 
   Gone forever, she's gone forever. For five years we had the 
most special, wonderful relationship in the world, and then ... one 
slash of a knife and it was all over. We had started to become so 
close, finally, but it wasn't meant to be. 
   The tears I've tried to hide for so long have started their 
way down and I'm not going to stop it. 
   *God, why?!*
   "I miss you, Scully", I say softly, still keeping her grieving 
mother in my arms. "I love you. I will never ever forget you."  
   I hope so much that she'll know just how much I miss her, 
need her, love her. 
   "I love her so much, Mrs Scully. I've always loved her, 
more than I've ever loved anybody before or since. How can I let 
her go? I can't let her go, Mrs Scully, I have to be with her! I need 
her! She needs me!!" Panic suddenly clouds my mind and I see 
danger in every corner of the room. "We're partners, we're 
supposed to be together! What if something happens to her, what 
if someone tries to hurt her?! What if ..." 
   The panic makes me think irrational, my lack of emotional 
balance only strengthening this panic. Mrs Scully sees and knows 
what's happening to me. She grabs my arms and shakes me with 
remarkable strength. 
   "Fox, calm down! Listen to yourself, you're not making 
any sense! Fox! Calm down!!" She looks me in the eyes and the 
pleading, understanding look I see there totally undoes me and I 
break down in her arms. Finally and ultimately. 
   My legs buckle and I let myself fall onto my knees, my 
faced buried in my hands, violent sobs racking my body. All the 
grief, all the frustration, all the pain comes out at the same time 
and I'm unable to stop it. 
   I feel Mrs Scully sit down next to me on the floor, then 
gently taking me in her arms and pulling me closer, cradling me, 
softly rocking me like she would rock a little child, murmuring 
soft sounds that make me feel so incredibly warm and loved that I 
almost reach the point where I'll never be able to live without this 
feeling again. I feel I'm going insane ... 
   Then suddenly I start to feel ashamed at my behaviour. 
After all I'm a grown man, I can keep myself under control! And 
that's why I start pulling away, my body craving the comforting 
feeling, but I'm ashamed. And the shame turns out to be much 
stronger, much more powerful than my need for contact. So much 
for 20th century western civilisation. 
   Mrs Scully looks stunned at my sudden change in 
behaviour and I know I'm hurting her, but I can't help it. I shrug 
her hands off my back and get to my feet. She follows my 
example, ready to once more take me in her arms, but I won't 
have it. 
   "Please, Mrs Scully, don't do this to me ...", I say with pain 
in my voice, turning away from her. I want her to take me in her 
arms, I desperately want it, but I can't let her. 
   "Why not, Fox?" she whispers. 
   Why not? Why can't I? I cannot tell her about my shame, it 
suddenly seems so stupid a reason, I can't tell her, but ... 
   "I ... I don't know", I whisper and make a helpless little 
gesture with my hand. "I ... just can't ... I ... it's not ... right ..." 
   "Right, Fox?" 
   I'm standing at Scully's side now and I'm fingering a lock 
of her hair, its silken softness caressing my trembling fingers as 
tears cloud my vision. Why, Scully? Why are you doing this to 
me? Why you, why not me? 
   "Are you sure you're not simply ashamed of showing what 
you feel, Fox? Of showing what you need?" I hear Mrs Scully's 
voice behind me. It sounds a little irritated, but most of all it just 
puts me right down to view the bare facts. And then I feel 
ashamed of being ashamed and cannot answer. 
   "Don't be, Fox", she whispers, resting her hand on my 
shoulder. "You need this, and I need you ... Please, Fox, if you 
don't want to hold me for your own sake, then please hold me for 
my and Dana's sake. Please, Fox ..." 
   I cannot possibly deny her this and without needing any 
more words, she knows my answer and I find myself with my 
arms around her, the feeling causing my mind to fly away for a 
moment, then return to reality. I start to feel hazy. 
   She's so much a mother to me, a mother I never had, never 
knew. She's so strong, so incredibly strong, she doesn't need me, I 
know that. But she knows I need her; no, I need Scully, I need 
Dana Scully, but I find so much of her in her mother. 
   "Why is she doing this to me?" I whisper through my tears 
which are literally streaming down my face. "She knows I need 
her, she knows I can't bear being alone! Why isn't she staying 
with me?" And then, leaving Mrs Scully's arms, I unconsciously 
change from speaking to her mother to speaking to Scully 
directly. "Why, Scully? Why are you doing this to me? Why are 
you deserting me like this? What have I done to deserve a life like 
the one that awaits me? I haven't ditched you, have I?! I 
HAVEN'T TREATED YOU THAT BADLY, HAVE I?! WHY 
ARE YOU *FUCKING* LEAVING ME?!" I'm so angry with her 
that I can't believe it, the anger a direct result of maddening grief. 
I sound like a madman, a lunatic, and I don't want to, but it's 
beyond me to control it. "You know how much I need you!! You 
know how much I depend on you!! You've made me into this and 
now that you've got me dependent on you, *you* are the one who 
ditches *me*!!!" I'm yelling at her at these last words, but then my 
voice suddenly drops to a very dangerous low and soft tone. It's 
the Devil himself who has taken possession of my body, it must be. "Tell 
me, Dana, how does it feel? How do you feel seeing me here like 
this? Seeing your mother here like this? Do you feel good? Does 
this make you feel good ...?" This last phrase isn't more than a 
whisper *so* malicious that it terrifies me. 
   I desperately wonder what demon has possessed me to rage 
against her like this. My common sense -- or what's left of it after 
all that's happened -- kicks me, yells at me, perplexed at my 
behaviour and screaming at me to for God's sake behave! 
To stop insulting her and her mother like that! But I'm blinded. 
I've broken loose and I can't find my way back ... 
   "Fox?" Mrs Scully's voice is soft and utterly shocked. I jerk 
my head around and look at her. Her expression cuts straight to 
my heart. She's shocked, but understanding. She's not accusing 
me of anything, she always understands me; and now that I've 
insulted her beloved daughter in the most unforgivable way 
possible, she ... forgives me ...  
   This look of comprehension and forgiveness is the final 
and fatal blow to my sanity. 
   I find myself staggering, gasping for breath as sobs, words, 
laughs compete to be uttered. I feel as if a storm's come crashing 
down on my head and spins my brain around, lifting me up and 
pushing me down at the same time. I feel like I'm drowning in my 
tears, they're filling my lungs and I want to scream in panic. But I 
don't scream. 
   " ... Scully ... help me ...", I moan instead, my voice a weak 
imitation of what it once was, the words bringing me back to a 
time when everything was all right ... I'm moaning in anguish and 
I'm pushing the balls of my thumbs into my temples in a desperate 
attempt to clear the whirlwind that attacks my mind. It won't go 
away ... 
   A deep, deep sob slowly surfaces and it blocks my throat, 
causing the panic to reach new heights ... but not for long, as I 
soon calm down to the point where I feel like ... flying ...? I'm 
smiling, isn't that remarkable ... feeling strangely light-headed ... 
   I laugh the laugh of insanity and I push Mrs Scully away. 
Not violently, but never-theless I'm feeling that I've got to get the 
hell out of here ... You know, I'm laughing ... 
   "Fox?" She sounds so insecure and her words only barely 
register in my mind, but it causes something much more 
important as I suddenly realise what may be happening to me 
right now. And then I'm so, so afraid. 
   "Mrs Scully, what's happening to me?" I ask, my voice 
shrill with sheer terror as I clutch her arms. I see her eyes wide 
with shock, no doubt the result of my expression which must be 
incredibly frightening to her. And for the briefest moment I'm 
back again, back to my own self and I'm so scared ... But then the 
moment is over and I've drifted away again, not knowing where 
I'm heading, only knowing that Scully will be there for me once I 
reach my final destination ... whatever that may be ...  
   I laugh. And stop acutely. 
   " ... Scully ...", I whisper as I stagger towards the coffin. 
She's looking at me, isn't she? She's speaking to me, isn't she? 
She's waiting for me. She is. But not here, and I'm gonna find 
her! 
   I smile broadly, my smile almost a grin, as I turn to Mrs 
Scully. 
   "Dana's waiting for me, Mrs Scully", I say, my voice as 
happy as a child's who's just received his favourite Christmas 
present. 
   Mrs Scully says something to me, but I don't hear what she 
says. I don't care. I laugh like a Fool. Scully loves me and she's 
waiting for me and I'm going to get to her. I'll not let her wait, I 
want to be where she is! 
   The room, which I vaguely remember to be quite dark, is 
wonderfully light and bright and my fears have been driven away. 
I'm not afraid anymore. 
   "Dana's waiting for me, Mrs Scully", I repeat and I head 
for the door. Did I mention that it was green? What a strange 
colour ... But I don't make it to the door, because Mrs Scully grabs 
my arm and turning me around, she slaps me in my face. She's 
furious. 
   I'm stunned and I freeze in my tracks. 
   "Fox William Mulder, what the hell do you think you're up 
to?!" she says through clenched teeth. 
   What I'm up to? Hah! Who'd need to know, may I ask? 
Who'd even care?! I laugh, the high-pitched sound foreign to my 
ears, but strangely familiar at the same time. 
   "Dana's waiting for me, Mrs Scully", I say again and then 
she lets me go and I leave the room. 
   The air outside is very warm, chilling, too. I wonder ... 
   I'm dazed, confused. I wonder where I am.  
   Dana? Where are you? They said you were waiting! Where 
are you, Dana? ... Where are you, Dana ...? Can't you see I want 
to be with you ...? 
   'You can go to Dana, Fox', I suddenly hear the Little 
Demon Voice say. The words are slurred, but so tempting. 'You 
wanna go to Dana, don't you, Fox?' 
   God, yes! I want to scream it to the world! I'm going to if I 
have to! Please, let me go to her! 
   'Dana's waiting for you, Fox, why don't you go to her?' 
   How? Please tell me how! I don't know how to get there, I 
don't know where she is ... 
   'You must run, Fox, run and you'll find her.' 
   Run? Run where? Where do you want me to go? I don't 
know where to go, I ... 
   I'm running. The world's still changing ... isn't it ...? 
   'Oh yeah, Fox, that's good. Doesn't that feel good? Doesn't 
it feel good to be on your way to her? Keep running, Fox, you 
know when you're there, don't you?' 
   For God's sake, help me! 
   'I will, Fox, I always have.' 
   I laugh. You're my Little Demon Voice, aren't you, Dana? 
I know now, suddenly I know. She's always been my Little Demon 
Voice ... Scully's my Little Demon Voice. *Aren't you, Dana?* 
   ...  
   No! Answer me, please, don't keep silent! I don't know 
where I'm going, I don't know what's happening to me, I ... I'm so 
afraid ... 
   'Don't be afraid, Fox, I'll never let you fall ...' 
   No, you won't ... 
   'Run, Fox, run' 
   And I keep running through an unreal world, running 
along freeways asphalted with sand and then I hear an elephant. 
On a leash? Pretty ... Whatever ... And I keep running. Running. 
Mile after inch after mile. I crawl and run at lightning-speed 
though I don't think I'm actually moving ... And still I'm running. 
   'Run, Fox, run' 
   Little Demon Voice urges me on. I'm getting to Dana, 
aren't I? I laugh again. I think I like laughing ... 
   Palm trees and penguins and snow and deserts and it's 
beautiful. And I run, never having to catch my breath, not missing 
a beat. 
   And then, suddenly, black water. A sea, a lake, a pond, all 
in a glass of water. Black water. And I stop running. 
   'Pick it up, Fox, and go to Dana.' 
   I'm terrified! 
   'Pick it up, Fox, and go to Dana.' 
   My hand moves in the direction of the sea in the glass. I'm 
practically screaming with fear ... 
   'Pick it up, Fox, and go to Dana.' 
   I take it. I've taken the glass of ink-black water and then I 
lift it to my lips.  
   And I drown. I drown ... I feel the blackness take my 
willing spirit. 
   I drown, drown ... drown ...... drown ...... 
 
   'Go to Dana, Fox. Dana's waiting for you ...' 
 
   I know, Little Demon Voice, I know ...  
 
 
   I know ... 
 
-------------------------- x -------------------------- 
 
 
 
FINIS

P.S. You decide for yourself what happened to Mulder. I have my 
own idea, you probably have a different idea. That's okay. If you 
like you can write me how you thought he died, I'm interested to 
know what the image was you got as you read the last few lines of 
the story.

Kirsten
kirsten_xf@yahoo.com