From: "Carr Chandler" Date: Mon, 27 Oct 2003 16:50:20 -0500 Subject: Addicted by Carr Source: direct Title: Addicted Author: Carr Email: carr1013@hotmail.com Rating: R for adult themes. Read at your own discretion. Category: VR Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance Spoilers: None Summary: Scully decides it's finally time to tell Mulder the truth about how she feels. Disclaimer: Ah the fun part...obviously none of these characters belong to me...but the story line does...except the parts where it mentions anything that has occurred in The X Files. Yeah so all the characters mentioned belong to Chris Carter and FOX and 1013... I wish they did belong to me though...because then I'd be really rich and wouldn't have to go to college anymore... While I'm at it I'd like to thank Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny for bringing the characters of Scully and Mulder to life, and making them absolutely irresistible. Without them in the roles, who knows how the show would have turned out...I know I highly enjoy watching David on screen...yum...but anyway, I hope you enjoy the story. ************* Addicted. I'm addicted to him. His smell, his touch, the way he looks when I speak to him. His body -- god his body! It is perfect in every way. But the thing I am most addicted to is his mind. The way he thinks, puts puzzles together, solves the most horrific crimes... I'm addicted and he isn't even mine. And it's more than an addiction. It's based on love -- a love so deep and so strong sometimes I cry because I fear someday will never come. The day will never come when we push down all the barriers and rules and admit how we feel. That without each other, the other would die. I cry because I know one day he will meet someone. Someone who could give him everything he deserves. He deserves a family and that is the one thing I cannot give him. I first realized how deeply in love I was when I was battling my cancer. When I accepted the fact that I was going to die and not be able to continue on the journey we began so many years ago. When he held me in his arms in that deserted hospital I knew that I had missed out on the greatest love I would ever know. And now here I am -- two years later. Strong and healthy and alive. Alive because of him and his determination to save me. To find a cure. And he did. And now... Now I fear it is too late again. The only thing is this time I don't know why. It's just a feeling. Maybe my heart has given up. Or maybe the thought of telling him the truth scares the shit out of me. It seems as if lately we have been drifting further and further apart. I'm afraid if I tell him now he will no longer feel the same way. But here I am none-the-less. Sitting out here in my car, which somehow found its way to his apartment. I was going to tell him tonight, but now the fear is taking over. Part of me prayed that he would not be home so I wouldn't have to face this. But his lights are on and every once in a while I can see him pass by a window. It is so quiet I can hear my heart pounding in my chest. It's odd there aren't any other noises. Maybe I've finally fallen over the edge into my own little world where only I exist with my fears, or maybe... *RING* I nearly jump out of my skin as the shrill ring of my phone brings me out of my deep concentration. "Scully." "Hey, it's me." "Oh...hey..." "I was just wondering something..." "Yes..." "Are you planning on coming up, or do you want to sit in your car for another hour?" Shit. He saw me. "Um..." Oh God. Do I want to face this? Am I ready to face this? I suppose it's now or never. "Sure Mulder. I'll be right up." ************* I step off the elevator and begin to walk down the hallway. It seems to take me forever and I wonder if his hallway has always been this long. I knock on his door and he opens it almost immediately. Neither one of us says a word. I walk past him to his couch and sit down. I am so nervous I am physically shaking. I know he can sense there is something wrong. He always can. He comes closer to me and I can no longer hold the pain in. I start to sob uncontrollably -- which I think frightens him a bit because I never, ever cry. "Jesus Scully!" He sits down and gathers me in his arms. "What's wrong?" I don't answer him right away. Instead I lean my head against his chest and wind my arms around his waist. In this position I can hear his heart beat. It is beating extremely fast. He is scared. I pick my head up -- gathering every ounce of courage I can -- and look into his eyes. The time has come. "Everything. Everything is wrong." "Tell me -- we can fix it. I'm here, Scully. I'll do anything." "I have to tell you something, but I don't want you to get upset. You need to know, because if I keep holding this in...we are going to become even more distant than we are now." "I won't get upset. Just tell me." "I...I'm in love with someone, but I don't know how to tell him." His sharp intake of breath tells me I've shocked him. And I know he is wracking his brain trying to figure out who it is. I decide to continue. "I'm just so sick of it. Going home alone to an empty apartment. Pretending my life is where I want it to be. Sleeping alone every night. I'm not getting any younger Mulder. I want to be happy while I'm still young enough to enjoy it. When I had my cancer, I realized I would die and never get a chance to truly be in love. I had denied myself the love that was right in front of me. When I went into remission I vowed I would tell him the truth, but I never did. Now it's tearing me apart. It's been two years and now I'm scared it's too late. I'm afraid he has given up on me as well. I'm so scared and I don't know what to do." His eyes have become somber. He thinks I'm in love with someone else. He never thinks he could be good enough for me. I think it's time we both deserve some happiness. I have a strange feeling now. My heart feels lighter. I'm no longer afraid for some reason. He gently sits back, pulling away from me. "Tell him Scully." "Huh?" His response catches me off guard and I implore him with my eyes to continue. "You deserve to be happy, Scully. Anyone -- and I mean anyone -- would be lucky to have you. You are intelligent, you have a great personality and the kindest heart I've ever known. And you are beautiful. God you are breathtakingly beautiful. When you walk into a room -- everyone stops and stares at you. I am so proud to be with you at those times, because I am lucky enough to know what's inside your mind and your heart -- and to me that is what is the most intriguing. So tell him Scully. Don't keep him waiting. Let him know what I know. Let him fall in love too." I am shocked. I never expected this response. I'm not really sure what I was expecting. 'Let him fall in love too.' Did that mean he was in love with me? Or did he mean I should let the man I'm in love with fall in love with me as I am with him? God this was certainly far more confusing than it should be -- not to mention frustrating as hell. I lean back against the couch next to him, mirroring his position. "So I should just come out and say it?" I glance over and wait for his response. "Yeah. Just look at him with those blue eyes and there isn't anyway he couldn't fall in love too." He looks down and starts to play with his hands. He is fidgeting. I know him well enough to know that he is fighting back tears. This has gone far enough. I place my hand upon his to still his movements. He looks up at me questioningly and I look into his eyes with as much love as I can. "Mulder...I'm in love with you and I'm sick of hiding it. I want to love you, make love to you and feel loved by you. I want to give you everything I have if you'll let me." I've shocked him. He is just staring at me with this look of utter disbelief plastered across his face. Time to change that. I lean into him slowly, giving him time to move away, but he is intently staring into my eyes as I am into his. I flicker my gaze down to his lips and I hear him suck in a quick breath. Before I lose my courage I close the distance between us and press my lips firmly against his. It is as if my kiss has unfrozen him. His mouth begins to move under mine and his hand comes up to grasp my waist. I feel a rush of desire deep inside my stomach and before I know it, I'm climbing onto his lap, straddling his legs. Within seconds we are making out like teenager, dry-humping on his couch. Our mouths can't seem to get enough of each other and all I know is that I never want it to stop. But I am out of breath and need a breather. I pull back and lean my forehead against his and close my eyes, relishing in the moment. "Jesus Scully. Where the hell did that come from?" "Six years Mulder. Six years of built up sexual tension. I'm only human. I felt like I was going to explode." He starts laughing whole-heartedly. Bringing his arms up around my back, he pulls me into his chest. He is holding me so tightly I can barely breathe, but once his nose starts nuzzling my neck, breathing is the last thing on my mind. "God it feels so amazing to be able to hold you like this." "Hmm." I can't even speak I am so comfortable and at ease being in his embrace. "I never dreamed you were in love with me too. I mean I hoped -- prayed even -- yet never thought it would actually happen." "Who else would it be Mulder? You are the only man I spend my time with." "Yeah, but..." "No. No buts. Now stop talking and take me into your bedroom and make love to me all night long." "So demanding..." "Six years, Mulder. Six years." ************* It seems like forever since a man has touched me like Mulder has -- maybe because no one ever has touched me in this way. No one has been able to touch my body and my heart at the same time. Only Mulder, and it will be only Mulder from now on. We made it to the bedroom in record time. He carried me the entire way and placed me gently on the bed, never once taking his eyes from mine. He took his shirt off and began to make his way up my body, undoing a button here...unzipping a zipper there... And that brings us to the present. Mulder with his tongue down my throat. I will never, ever get tired of this feeling for as long as I live. Never. I can't believe we have waited this long and I can't believe I almost didn't come up and tell him. What we would have missed. "Mmm, Scully you taste so good..." He mumbles this into my hair in his quest to find my ear. It makes me smile. I'm getting more and more happy by the minute and we have only just begun this dance...oh am I in for it. "Yeah, so do you. God Mulder I want you so bad. You have no idea. I'm tired of waiting. I want to feel you inside me now." At this point I feel like begging. We have been making out on his bed for what seems like forever and I am practically soaking wet and still clothed. That needs to change. Now. I push him over onto his back and straddle his torso. I remove my shirt and unclasp my bra and am loving every second of Mulder's reactions to my little show. He is excited -- very excited from what I can feel stirring inside his jeans. I begin to unbutton his jeans to retrieve my little -- or big from what I can feel -- present that is inside. Once his jeans and boxers are gone I gaze at the impressive erection that is standing tall before me. God I think my mouth just watered. He is huge and I think I've gone into shock. I must have because before I know it Mulder has flipped me again and I am now under him once more. He relieves me of my remaining clothing yet does not become motionless at the site of my body. Instead he becomes infatuated. God he is everywhere. Kissing me everywhere and touching me with the most gentle caresses I have ever known. Oh I have died and gone to Heaven. And if Heaven is this good, I don't want to leave. He moves up to look into my eyes and the love I see there makes me start to cry. "Oh Mulder I love you so much. So much..." "Shh, Scully. I know and I love you too. Don't cry baby. Let me love you." And with that he settles in between my legs -- which have somehow wrapped themselves around his waist -- and buries himself inside me. I gasp at the sensation -- not used to being stretched so wide. "Scully...?" "No, I'm okay Mulder. I'm just not used to this. It's been a while. It's okay now, so get your ass moving." I smile at him and he relaxes, causing his body to sink even a bit further into mine. Oh I'm going to be sore in the morning. The feeling is wonderful. I had forgotten how it feels to be surrounded and safe by a man and to finally be in love makes this feeling unforgettable. This is definitely a moment I will remember forever. He is moving slowly yet steadily -- probably trying to avoid hurting me. Very thoughtful, yet we aren't going to get anywhere at this speed... "Faster, Mulder. Oh, God this feels amazing!" And with that he lets loose and starts ramming into me with everything that he has been holding back with. Looks like I won't be sore in the morning...I won't even be able to move. "Oh, God, Scully! This is so amazing! I can't believe...oh wow..." Leave it to Mulder to try and have an actual conversation during sex. Oh, he is back to touching me all over again. What is wrong with me? Every place he touches seems to turn into fire and that just sends heat sweeping throughout my entire body. My senses are so heightened right now I don't think I'm going to be able to hold on much longer. As that thought clears my head I begin to feel the build up inside that indicates I will be reaching that oh-so-wonderful place in just a few seconds. I can tell he is holding back waiting for me to come first. "It's okay Mulder, let go...just let go...oh God!" And with that I am flying high and seeing bright lights behind my eyes. Oh what a glorious feeling. A few more thrusts and Mulder is screaming my name and collapsing on top of me. Wow. There is just no other word to describe it -- and besides actual thinking is not a priority at the moment. It feels good to feel the weight of a man. I wrap my ankles around his legs and hold him close to me with my arms. "Here let me get off of you, I..." "No stay. It feels good. I feel so safe like this." Round one -- Scully. He settles down again and we are quiet for a few minutes -- thinking about all that has just taken place between us. "I wasn't going to come up you know." He raises his head and moves to lay next to me. At first I think that he is upset for some reason, but then he motions for me to lay on his chest. "My turn to hold you. Why weren't you going to come up?" He wraps his arms around me as I lay my head against his chest and settle into his side. My very own Mulder pillow. How nice. "I was scared. Scared that you wouldn't feel the same way and that my confession would tear us apart. I really don't think I could have handled that. I mean I knew that you loved me, but lately we have been drifting further and further apart...I just don't know what I would do if I ever lost you Mulder. I honestly think that I would not be able to go on. I love you so much and you are my life now. How does one go on after a loss like that?" I am mumbling now and he knows it...rambling on and on about something that no longer -- and will never matter again. "Hey, that doesn't matter anymore. You came up and I believe you would have come up even if I hadn't called you. I'm glad I did though, because that brought us here -- to this moment -- a lot sooner. And don't worry, I'm not going anywhere Scully. Not now. Not that I know that you love me too. We can finally start that part of our lives we've been waiting for Scully. We can finally be in love and share our lives together." "You want to share your life with me?" "Of course. I want to be with you always." "Is that...?" "No! That is a whole other topic that can wait. Don't get me wrong though. I do plan on asking Scully, but not today. Not when this is so new, and definitely not without a ring." He smiles at me and kisses me on the forehead. This is going to be good, I can tell. I snuggle into his side and close me eyes. All of my fears and nights of worrying were for nothing. All that time we wasted...I open my eyes, suddenly awake. The fear comes back. We wasted all that time -- I wasted all that time. I jerk my head up and he opens his eyes in surprise as well, imploring me with them to continue. "I'm so sorry Mulder. All that time. I wasted all that time in not telling you. What if there is no tomorrow, or next year? What if something happens and I lose you? Or you lose me? So much time wasted. I promised myself that I was going to tell you, and I let us both down. God I'm so sorry." I am crying now. I can't hold it in any longer. The night of the emotional rollercoaster has not yet come to a complete stop. In fact, it is off and running again. "Hey, calm down. We have right now. That is all that matters. Yes, one day something will happen, but that's not tonight and it's not tomorrow, because tomorrow is Saturday and we aren't getting out of this bed all day." I give him a small smile and he continues. "I know what we do is risky, but that is part of why we love it. You know it kills me when you get hurt and vice versa, but we have to have faith Scully. Faith that we will make it through." "This coming from you." I smile again as he wipes the tears off of my face with his thumb. "Come here Scully." He sits up and pulls me into his chest. Once again I am straddling his lap and it feels really good to be able to hug him like this. "We might not have forever, but we definitely have tonight. So what do you say we make the best of it?" "That sounds like a wonderful plan Mulder. A truly wonderful plan. But this time I get to be on top." With a feral grin I rise up and impale myself on his surprisingly already hard cock and begin to move to the music we are just beginning to create. ************* The End! I hope you enjoyed it! Please feel free to leave feedback, it is always appreciated! Oh and check out my website! http://www.angelfire.com/stars3/xfilesfanfic /index.html - it's not done yet, so bear with me!