From: "Jessica Thompson" Date: Mon, 17 Nov 2003 18:46:34 +0000 Subject: all I have to lose Source: direct Title: All I have to Lose Author: JayJay Email: MrsMulder_86@hotmail.com Feedback: Yes Please Spoilers: nothing worth mentioning Classification: Vignette Romance Keywords: Implied MSR probably to the point where it is Noromo unfriendly! Sorry Guys! Disclaimer: Not mine. Summary: So, finally giving in to temptation, I find myself standing here in the open adjoining doorway through to her room. Leaning wearily against its frame, watching her sleep. Notes: I originally wrote this as the introduction to a full case file. However I decided that the over 60 pages I wrote were... how shall I put this... Cr*p. So I'm only going to post this bit. It's not finished in full but if anyone reads this and wants to read the extended version then just ask and I'd be more than happy to send it to you. *** All I have to lose *** I had lain silently in bed for hours waiting for sleep to pull me over the edge of consciousness and into its heavy clutches. But I had known before I even climbed between the crisp sheets of the firm motel bed that sleep would once again elude me. I had spent the duration of this case riding an emotional roller coaster, hoping somehow that by getting into the head of the suspect we would be able to find him. To make him pay for his unthinkable crimes. Although, even with the knowledge that another cold-blooded killer was safely behind bars tonight, my mind was still buzzing over the case. Trying to pinpoint exactly what I'd done wrong, what clues I had missed that could have brought him to justice sooner, saved more lives. I felt mentally and physically drained. It had been a gruelling two weeks. I had spent hours pouring over files and photos, trying to find links between clues that just weren't there. My mind felt numb and dirty from spending so much time trying to get into his head and under his skin. I was a complete emotional wreck. It felt as though this case had sucked the energy from my body and wiped any resemblance of humanity from my soul. All I felt like doing was curling up in a ball and crying to allow the guilt and the shame to flow away. I was fully aware that had I been at home, alone in my apartment in DC that I would be doing just that. Allowing the overwhelming feeling of self-pity to consume me. Mind, body and soul. But somehow I had drawn great comfort from knowing that I was not alone. Somehow, the knowledge that Scully was sleeping just the other side of these thin walls made the pain almost bearable. I could feel her presence penetrating not only through the motels paper-thin walls, but also through my body and into my heart, comforting me in ways I never thought possible. So, finally giving in to temptation, I find myself standing here in the open adjoining doorway through to her room. Leaning wearily against its frame, watching her sleep. I can spend hours like this, watching her peaceful expression as she sleeps on undisturbed by my presence. Staring at the way her pale creamy skin almost shimmers in the dull moonlight that floods through the thin curtains. At the way her vibrant red hair fans out around her head like a halo, glistening like a thousand tiny rubies against the crisp white linen. My mind begins to drift as I gaze at her, drinking in the sight of her perfect sleeping form. Reminding me that there is some good in the world, that I am not alone. She is my partner my family and my friend. And yet none of these things can fully express what I feel for her. There are no words to describe how much I care about her, how much I love her. I try to remember the exact moment when she became my world, but I can't. My life changed irrevocably that day she walked into my office. I think I knew even then, as I took my first look into those bottomless blue eyes that I had found the person I could fall for. My quest ended that day; I had lost that desperation to find Samantha. And as the years slipped by and my loneliness receded, I no longer needed the hope that one day I'd find Samantha alive. That she would be able to restore to me the love I had craved since her disappearance all those years ago. All I needed was to know what had become of my baby sister, to say goodbye. Now I do and I have. And now as I watch the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she slumbers on, I realise what I have known all along. She's all I have to live for, and all I have to lose. * * * End * * * so what did you think? Good, bad or indifferent all feedback is welcome and will be willingly replied to. MrsMulder_86@hotmail.com